I had my first when I was 18 and the pregnancy was a complete surprise. I was a single mother for 8 years (his dad dipped out when we found out and has only seen him twice and for only a couple hours each time). So, I put myself through college and I just kinda figured it out. My boy is an amazing kid who's well-adjusted, empathetic and kind. I seriously couldn't ask for more and I love him so much!

Enter my (now) hubby, who wasn't just a good boyfriend, but became a great partner. When things became serious and he finally met my son, he helped me out by doing laundry while I was working, or planned family activities or mini-vacations that were always centered around my son:) He knew we were a package deal and he impressed me with how much he respected that. He is currently pursuing stepparent adoption.

We had not planned on having any more children for a least a little while because we bought a house and wanted to pay off our student loans, and I'm working on another degree. I found out I was pregnant (oops!) A couple months ago and it was a surprise, as I had bleeding that very closely resembled my very regular, heavy period and my husband and I had been cautious. I was upset at first and thought the nurse was joking with me because we are coworkers (And 2019 had been a B%#&^ so far) They drew blood a couple times and it seemed legit. When I told my husband, he seemed overjoyed, which, for the logical, stoic man he is, comforted me. I accepted it and started to get excited and we started developing a plan to adjust for our new baby.

Then, one day when I was at work, I finally sat down during my shift (I'm a nurse at a hospital) and I felt a weird pain in my lower abdomen. A sensation of doom flooded me. I ran to the bathroom so I could be alone and discovered I was miscarrying. Blood tests confirmed it a few days later. I cried for several days and talked extensively with my hubby about how I wanted so desperately to try again. He said we should. Ever since that conversation, I have gone BACK AND FORTH on what I want. I'm anxious because of our financial situation (where we have put every last cent towards student loans and paying off our vehicles so we have less monthly bills), because my first is now 10 years old and I'm also working on another degree. I really can't decide and my husband is now sick of talking about it.

When I brought it up *cautiously* last night, he said he never changed his mind and that he still wants a baby but he was scared for the same reasons I was. I also worry about how we would work out child care because I work 12 hour shifts and he works long days too, just more often than I do. Our closest family is almost an hour away and they work normal day hours too. I worry about how it might affect my 1st child, with him being 10 and my only for so long. He does not want a sibling ( and hasn't since some of his friends with siblings complain about their brothers or sisters) and it's been A LONG TIME since I had a baby. All of the scary things I dealt with as a single mother make me worry even more, even though I won't be alone this time. I'm so torn. I canceled my appointment to start back on birth control and I hate that I can't decide! My husband doesn't try to sway me in either direction and I kinda just wish he would!

I'm annoyed with myself for not figuring this out yet! HELP please!