I hope this is ok to post this here. It’s going to be a bit lengthy and I might ramble but openly discussing this is helping me cope.

I have an ultrasound at 1:30 this afternoon to find out if my baby is still alive. Last Sunday night I started spotting but my husband told me not to worry, I had my first midwife appointment and ultrasound scheduled for the next day. Well that day (last Monday) I should have been 7 weeks pregnant exactly but the baby measured 5 weeks 6 days with a heartbeat too small to hear. I immediately knew something was wrong.

Thursday night I start spotting again, and again my husband says not to worry. Friday morning I start bleeding, it’s bright red and it’s a lot. I call my Midwife’s office and they want me to come in for an ultrasound. Baby has only grown 2 days and is measuring 6 weeks 1 day with a heartbeat still too small to hear. The red bleeding has continued on and off all weekend. I feel like my pregnancy symptoms are gone. I’m fully preparing myself for the tech today to tell me there is no heartbeat and baby is still measuring at 6 weeks.

I’m a logical and scientific person. I completely understand that miscarriages happen, I understand that sometimes the baby just isn’t healthy, but I’m still so fucking angry. Our son was a complete surprise and I was in a bad spot in my life when we got pregnant with him. And this one? Life is damn near perfect. I started prenatals, I slowed my drinking down, I have a job, my mental health is the best it’s ever been, I even had a preconception appointment with my midwife to make sure I was completely healthy, and I am. And this happens? What the fuck did I do wrong? Why is this happening? Is the universe punishing me for something? I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t function. I wanted this baby so bad.