How do you tell her

How do you tell the person who gave you life that you don't want it? As a mother myself I know it would destroy me to hear my baby suffer in such a way. Living but wishing for death. I have no intention to actually kill myself. But I cry daily wishing for sweet release. To just silently slip away during the night. Sleep forever. But every morning I wake up still. And it's horrifying thinking what I do. My mom asks me what's wrong. But how do you tell the person who carried for excidedly for 9 months, birthed you, loved you, helped you, changed you, wanted nothing else in the world but to love you and see you smile, that all you want is to die? How selfish am I to wish myself dead when I know so many people love me. But life hurts so so damn much. I don't want to do it anymore. But I'm too scared to end it. My son is only 11 months old and will miss me. He won't understand and I can't hurt him like that. But fuck. I wish I was dead.