Losing Hope

Ashley • 👼 👼🌈

For as long as I can remember the only thing I wanted out of life was to be a mom. To feel life growing inside of me. When I was young I had a very irregular period. I was on birth control at age 10 because my cycles were extremely heavy and would come at random intervals. In high school my general doctor told me it would be hard to get pregnant with irregular cycles. Fast forward to 2011 and my cycles were so off track that I was bleeding almost non stop for months on end. After enduring it for as long as I could, I went to the doctor and for a little while it worked. I had met the man I fell in love with and after getting to a point where we decided we wanted to have our own family (2015) we started going to see a doctor about it. With the help of medication, I was ovulating and having regular periods. In August of 2016, we were expecting our first child. I thought this is it and we were extremely excited. But God had other plans. Insufficient cervix caused me to go into early labor at 19 weeks. I didn't even know that was a thing at the time. After losing her, our lives changed drastically. My cycles became regular and in June 2017 (thinking we couldn't get pregnant without help) we found out we were expecting our rainbow baby. I knew God wasn't going to let me lose another baby. That insufficient cervix was a freak incident and decided against advice to get the cerclage. I was scared mainly because of the spinal they had to do to do it in the first place. Yet, September rolled around and not even a year after losing our baby girl, we lost our son. Depression set in on both sides and again our lives were thrown into chaos. We decided no more trying to conceive for at least a year. Now here we are a year and half later and hoping to conceive again only now my cycles are off course again. I feel like everything is crashing because my friends are having babies, girls that were pregnant with me are pregnant again or just had their babies, and I'm extremely happy for all of them. Yet I'm sad and depressed that my body has continuously let me down. That as much as I have prayed and begged for God to bless us for health and conception I feel ignored. I feel robbed of the only thing I have ever truly wanted out of my life. I'm starting to lose hope that our time will come. Maybe I need to feel like I'm not alone or maybe just needed to get it out either way, I appreciate any who reads this and sympathizes or has words of encouragement or even advice.