To scared to test

my granny passed away 4 weeks ago we were so close no1 ever saw me without her by my side every morning i spent with her shopping trips ect it was me and her.... it was so unexpected my whole life fell apart... i am getting stronger tho... i have been ttc baby number 2 for 5 years now with 4 miscarriages along the way.... now i am late i am wondering is my granny going to bless me with my baby but am so scared to test.. .dont even no y am writting this it doesnt even make sense

****update period arrived****