I have recently been suffering from mass amounts of anxiety (I’ve always had it, just not this bad) I mean like.. chest soreness from it being so tight all day. I can’t sleep, I’m having panic attacks every day from nothing, and I finally realized what it was.

When I was 16, going on 17, I met a boy. I didn’t know him very well, actually hardly at all. We went on our first date, and from the moment he sat next to me I was attracted to him. Not in a sexual sense, although we eventually got there, but his energy. I feed off of people’s energy, and have only ever come across a few people that I feel myself connect with like that. Fast forward a year and a half, and I’ve fallen head over heels for him.

Now, head over heels is both romantic and platonic. I obviously and in love with him, but I have never, ever loved someone so much. His whole being, the things he’s done for me. I love him so much it makes my heart hurt. He’s helped me with my anxiety, held me through breakdowns, made sure I was alright. I’ve laughed with him, cried with him, laughed until I cried with him.

Someone today came and spoke to us about being in the moment, not thinking about anything else. I think too much, but when I’m with him, it all goes away.

I’m 18, graduation has always been exciting for me. I don’t really enjoy school, so getting out was fantastic. And as much as I wanted to get out, I was always like “oh I have so much time”

I only have two months, two months. I don’t know what will happen after that, and I’m so scared. I’m so scared of losing him. I’m petrified. This human being that I love so much, that knows everything about me, who knows where my favorite spots to be kissed are, who knows what calms me down, who allows us to sit in silence yet say so much while we do it. And I might lose them. My best friend.

I’m so scared.

I know there’s technology, but that only works to a certain extent. It isn’t the same.

And I understand it’s only high school. That really isn’t my point, I’m a firm believer that you only connect with a few people like that in your life. Truly connect.

I want more time...

I’m in so much pain