I feel like I waited my whole life to be a mommy, and I was devastated when month after month it wasnt happening and everywhere I looked all my friends were turning up pregnant. So when we got pregnant in our first <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a> we couldn't believe it. Since we had to go to a fertility clinic we found out at 6weeks and 6days we were pregnant with triplets!!! Omg I was so happy, my heart was so full. Week after week my husband and I loved all the ultrasounds and getting to see our babies grow. Well at 16 weeks we found out they were all boys, so we got to work trying to figure out names. Our families new at 10 weeks because I was already showing but I was able to keep it off of all social media until I was 20 weeks looking full term by then lol. Fast forward to my 22nd week appointment the doctor tells me babies B&C are growing slower than A and it looks like they only have 2 ventricle umbilical cords instead of 3. So that means we need to keep a closer eye on their growth. Not the best of news but their still growing and both very active keeping this mama up at night with their acrobats. Skip ahead to my 24th week appointment my husband and I are nervous their going to put me on bedrest at home or hospital since it had been suggested it would happen sometime in the future by one of my drs. We go and everything seems fine until the dr comes in after the ultrasounds and tells me I need to go downstairs to L&D for observation and possibly a long stay. Ok bot what we wanted to hear but not unexpected. Skip to a few hours later one dr. is telling me I need to remain calm and just ride this stay out for a long as I can to get B&C birth weight up so they have a fighting chance of survival. And another dr. Telling us there's no time we have to deliver now because somehow al my drs. Missed me being extremely pre eclampsia. So as I immediately start crying and shaking cause I just know it's too early and my babies are not going to make it. So I have an emergency c-section Baby A -Hayden Matthew is born 1ib 4.1 oz and, Baby c(born 2nd us now technically baby b)-Logan Michael is born at 11 oz., and Baby B(now c)-Nathan Maxwell is born the smallest at just 9 oz. Logan and Nathan were just too small for the drs to help all my babies were born alive. My husband and I just had to hold Logan and Nathan as their tiny bodies finally gave up and they passed away an hour after they were delivered in our arms. Hayden is currently in the NICU and is surviving. I can honestly say if I didnt have Hayden as a motivator I wouldn't be able to go on. My husband has been amazing and I love him with all my heart he truly is my other half and currently my rock. I never thought I'd lose 2 of my children or I'd have to make death arrangements. The next day I kept telling my nurses I was in a lot of pain and something didnt feel right in my abdomen, but they didnt really believe me skip to about 7 PM and finally one of my drs stops by to check on me and notices my abdomen is really distended and painful. Long story short I had an abdominal tear and my abdomen had been filling up with blood all day. So I had 2 emergency blood transfusions and then another emergency surgery to fix the tear and suction all the blood out. As I wake up in my room the dr tells me as a small consolation they were able to save my uterus and can still have future children. In that moment I wanted to yell and scream that I'd had 2 perfect beautiful children that he couldn't save already. It's hard to find the balance between my love and joy for Hayden and my soul crushing grief for the lose of Logan and Nathan everyday. I know I'll see them again one day but right now I'm just angry at everything and life. I finally thought I had found something I was going to be great at and even though everyone has told me it's not my fault I still feel like I failed as a mother already.