I've been in a relationship for over 5 years. We met in 8th grade, and fell for each other the following freshman year of hs. Everything seemed perfect as things do when you're 14 and dating and the things only got better with time. We were together 24/7 after school, both in tech crew together and even spent the summer biking outside to get icecream and go to trails. At the end of freshman year he told me he made new friends and was going to hang out with them, a girl I didn't know. I trusted him and he assimilated into her girl squad. The year started and I hung out with him less, he always seemed to busy for me, but seemed to have time for her. We would talk on the phone at night only for him to have to go do something, he was vague with me on what. After a few weeks I finally had enough of him not telling me.. And he said every night she calls him for them to do a night ritual before she slept. They'd do a prayer together as an inside joke, but I had the sinking feeling she liked him. I told him "I think she likes you" and he refused to believe it, so much to the point where he asked her himself and she denied it of course. I asked him if he liked her and he assured me I was the one he loved and no one would change that. Yet when we hung out he would text her, his phone resting on my side or my leg as he texted. He started becoming more distant, started gaining weight. I was hurt that he couldn't trust me with what was going on and things got worse. I knew he was depressed but he didnt know why. I blamed myself and cried to him at night that I was getting hurt. He said he was unaffected by my tears and couldn't care less. At the end of the year, I worked up the courage to tell him we needed a break. He was quick to jump to it and agreed. 2 days later he called me crying. He had kissed her and regretted it. The next day he came over and fucked me.. with no remorse. He told me the kiss felt wrong and this felt right, that he made a mistake. The next few weeks were a mess. He refused to stop a Snapchat streak with her for the sake of getting to 100, he agreed to get in a car with her 2 times to make the old girl group happy. It took so much to get him to stop. I wanted to leave but didn't know how..because I still felt I loved him.. He apologized and she never did despite contacting me for "any questions" I might have. But his apology isnt enough.. i feel tainted. For the next 2 years, I stayed by his side hoping for the same love we started with.. things seemed "better" but I was bitter. He didnt spend more time with me despite everything that happened.. he still brushed off my feelings a bit.. and I was still hurt. Now things are better, 3 years later and he treats me like a princess as he says, trying to be the "best that he can be" "for me". But even with things looking significantly better and I feel okay with him, I still look back and feel bitter. He's a changed man I believe it but I can't help but see and feel that our love is tainted. And I don't want to be like this forever. I hate that he never let me break up with him. Freshman year of college is almost over, and he said he would leave me alone for the beginning.. that never happened and we've been talking since. I know I love him but I don't feel at peace, I don't know what to do. Our anniversary is the day we first kissed, but I'm not the only girl he's kissed since then. It feels wrong. I dont feel sure of marrying him like I did long ago, even if he is sweeter than he was before. He's my best friend.. I feel like the answer is in front of me but I'm not sure of myself. Thank you if you read this all, and if you didn't that's okay. Maybe getting it out somewhere will help me.