From age 12, I dreamed of Orazio, my first born son. Name chosen. I knew who he would be & I waited patiently for him for the next 11 years until I was 23.

On October 5th, 2014 - the Harvest Blood Moon sent me into labor at only 26 weeks. I had lost some of my water & despite me telling the doctor not to check my cervix, he did & broke the rest of my water.

I tried to stop the labor for 5 days, laying in the hospital bed, listening to Orazio’s heart, feeling him move around & playing him music.

On October 11th, I made myself push, as Orazio was in the birth canal for over 24hrs (doctor instructions) & it just didn’t feel right.

I pushed out a 1lb 8oz baby boy, he grabbed my finger as soon as he came out & only took one deep breath. Orazio passed away almost instantly.

His brain had been compressed from the doctors keeping him in the birth canal for too long, so they mentioned they could do surgery but the likelihood of him living a normal life was very slim.

I chose to let Orazio go, because I could not guarantee he would be able to live out his dreams or have quality of life. I watched my 11 year old dream die in my arms & kissed his face until his cheeks turned too cold.

Not a single day goes by that I don’t wonder how life would be if I had my handsome, loving, curly haired little boy running around the house, or how it would feel to yell ORAZIO & heat his footsteps running toward me. I feel like I’ll never know what a dream come true feels like now.

It’s been 4 years and I think I am ready to try again. After 3 years of dark emotions, deep healing, finding ME again & trying my best to keep living...

Only, I fear I will never love the same. I fear that it will happen again. I fear that I will never like another name (other than Orazio), I fear that I won’t feel his presence as much & I feel that I could never handle another loss like that, without completely losing my mind. But God, I want to be a Mom again. 😞