Hello! I really need some advice. I apologize for the length, I know I’m wordy 😬 So a couple of months ago, I came across a porn website open on my husband’s phone (I was using his phone for something with his permission). I tried to confront him about it gracefully because in the two years we’ve been married, I had no reason to believe that this was a struggle of his. Yet, there it was. Obviously I felt hurt and a little bit upset when I saw this on his phone. But when I asked him about it, he assured me that he doesn’t view porn and that it was likely a pop-up from a questionable site that he streams sports games from sometimes. Now, my husband is a very good man and I know that he holds himself to a very high standard, especially when it comes to his faith (sometimes I feel like he actually beats himself up too much when he “falls short” in a particular area). So I decided to take his word for it and move forward even though part of me wondered if he was lying out of shame. I figured if he wasn’t quite ready to share that with me yet, at least he knew how deeply it bothered me and that he would likely try to stop if he could.

Fast forward to this past month... Again, I stumbled across some questionable content on his phone (again, while using it with his permission). However, it wasn’t as graphic as actual porn. I noticed some of his recent Instagram searches included other women’s bodies (in lingerie or revealing swimwear). I also noticed that he had viewed YouTube videos of again, women dancing or working out in revealing clothing.

Again, seeing that he was viewing (and likely lusting) after other women hurt and disappointed me. But I’ve been trying to decide whether or not to confront him about these things now. Here’s why I’m unsure - First of all, I’m kind of assuming now that he was probably being dishonest about watching porn when I initially confronted him. But, here’s my current thought process (maybe I’m just overthinking it) - If porn is still so accessible and he had viewed it in the past, why would he now be satisfied simply viewing Instagram posts and semi-censored YouTube videos (all of which were inappropriate but way less graphic than actual porn)? I wondered if after our initial conversation, he has worked to stop watching porn and is resorting to viewing these less graphic things to deal with those urges instead...? As I said before, I might be overthinking all of this.

So if he’s working on this struggle already (as I said, he holds himself to a very high standard and truly does want to actively work to be more like Jesus) and has taken steps from viewing full fledged porn to viewing significantly less graphic content, do I bring up what I’ve found on his Instagram and YouTube history? For some reason, I feel like I’d just make him feel worse about struggling with this when it looks like he may be trying to take steps in the right direction already. Do I say something now (and risk discouraging him more) or give him a little bit more time and space to recognize that even viewing those less graphic images/videos of other women is still inappropriate?

What would you do?