I can’t stand to see preemies. And not for the reason you would think. I can’t stand to see them because I envy their mothers. Had I stayed pregnant for as little as two and a half weeks, I would be them. I would be a NICU mom. I would gladly hop on the roller coaster of emotions. Instead I had to call a funeral home the day my daughter was born. Instead of making a first doctors appointment, I waited for autopsy results. Her ashes sit in a drawer because I cannot stomach to see them. All of her belongings neatly packaged and tucked away. Out of sight. I will get better. I will heal. I will be happy again.