So, I’m a FTM. My pregnancy was difficult physically and emotionally as I had health problems that were concealed by the pregnancy. After months of not eating, surgery, and financial hardships I just wanted my baby out of me so I could move on with her and get better. My mother was temporarily in town, waiting for the baby to be born and hoping it’d happen during her visit, but she was leaving the next day. She also took y small dog because she felt I couldn’t handle him and a baby given the circumstances, which broke my heart. My ceiling in my apartment caved in and the city refused to help me. All my stuff was damaged and destroyed and now I didn’t even have a home for my baby. Things were just kind of dim overall.

So, despite waking up and not wanting to go anywhere or do anything, I went to my ultrasound appointment. Things were pretty routine, but then the tech said they were going to get a doctor in. I got worried, a huge wave of “how much worse can things get?” After about 10 minutes, the tech and doctor come in and the doctor says my baby is a decent weight, but hasn’t grown past 36 weeks. I was 39 weeks. I ask what that means and if she’ll be okay, and the doctor explained she feels the baby will grow better outside the womb and said she was going to induce me that same day. Of course, I had nothing on me. I was in my pajamas, had no hospital bag, and my boyfriend was at my busted up apartment with bad asthma. I was petrified. I called him and my mother with the news and they came rushing in.

So I’m in the hospital for about 5 hours sitting in the waiting room of L&D, my boyfriend panicking and my mom rushing down from Chinatown as fast as she could. He brought me my hospital bag which I had in my grandma’s house nearby and I was eventually given a room for the induction.

Apparently I was already 1cm dilated upon arrival, so we skipped the suppository to help dilate me and went straight to the balloon. It didn’t hurt much, honestly. It gets the cervix to 4cm before falling out and it felt like mildly irritating period cramps. I was offered the epidural, but wanted to wait until the pain was too much for me so it lasted longer. The doctors said fine and proceeded to break my water and start the Pitocin. The contractions were about 1 minute apart and strong, but I still didn’t request the epidural as it was manageable. I would squeeze the railings of the bed and just breathe it out. When they came in to give me a catheter, I told them I was afraid of it hurting to which I was told to just press the button for the epidural to be stronger. Problem? I still didn’t have one. I told her and she was shocked and said “I think you should get one now if you really wanted it.” I agreed, and the hardest part was having to remain very still while they were pinching my back.

So, here’s where things aren’t so great. Baby’s heartbeat drops every time I lay on my side. The epidural worked perfectly, but there was a small window on my left side where nothing happened and it was strong, intense, 8/10 pain. Like a knife twisting in on me. The only way to soothe it was laying on my side, but I had to remain on my back. The doctors became concerned about an emergency C-Section. I couldn’t sleep because the doctors would come in every 30 minutes to wake me to move so the baby’s heart rate would increase. That, or to give me more of the epidural. So by 8AM I was exhausted and sore.

At 10AM I call a nurse and tell them I feel a lot of pressure and think the baby might be coming. They ask about the pain on my side and I explain it’s completely gone, all I have is a slight pressure on my spine. They said I’m probably just fully dilated and it’s nothing to worry about. I call 3 more times and demand they check because I’m POSITIVE I’m ready to push. She assured me I’m not and proceeds to get a doctor to put me more at ease, doctor comes, and BOOM, baby is already crowning. I had to push NOW. With some help from my mom and boyfriend, I had pushed for about 15 minutes and out came my beautiful little girl, Charlotte James Gonzalez. She weighed 6.4lbs and was 17” long. She was stunning. I only needed 3 stitches and then I was put on monitoring. Overall, it was so much easier than I was afraid of. I just had to tell myself to stay calm for her and it was as if nothing else that happened prior mattered anymore. Looking at her stole my heart and took my breath away.

Anyway, I’m sharing this for any other young/FTMs who are scared of childbirth or who was looking for induction stories that weren’t petrifying. You got this mamas! Our bodies were literally made for this.