We're just two days away from what should have been one of the happiest day's of our lives. I had two previous pregnancies one I got pregnant on the IUD and ended up having an abortion at 18 just a few weeks before my 19th birthday. I was a mess. I got back on my feet and kicked ass in life. Graduated high school through a credit recovery program with highest grades in my classes, and made top 4 of my graduating class. I was thrilled I did it, while working and managing my life as well. Then just after my 21st birthday we fell pregnant again. Our living environment was horrible, we lived with his VERBALLY abused brother, his mom who told me at one time " if I didn't put the light bill in my name i wasn't considered family" I was 20 I had not establish a credit so I refused. She ruined both of her sons and her own credit. I would have been insane to let her do the same. Her brother would constantly call me names or blame me for things. Steal my stuff, he is older then my bf. And his brother has a mental illness but i do to and i dont use my illness as an excuse to be mean to others. We were living in a house that should have been condemned. The bathroom had black mold, our 3rd fl, flooring fell through his mom's room ceiling and the bathroom. We had no water for a week. No heat sometimes. It was just horrible. I refused to bring a child into the world that way. I had no job at the time. He had just graduated from Porter and Chester and was on his way to an interview, one day when his brother kicked down our bedroom door when I wouldn't let him in our room. So he had to turn around. It was horrible. I had talked to my doctor and decided it was best to go through with a medical abortion. I was on and off the pill when I got pregnant for the second time. After that I stopped taking any birth control. I just wasn't going to fall pregnant while taking birth control again. So no refills for me.

A few months go by were not getting foreclosed on because the landlord dipped on the responsiblity and the bank said the house isn't safe. His mom and brother moved out together into a 3 bedroom again. We stayed an extra week until the apartment we looked at was ready to move in to our first apartment together. Our own home. Our drama free, clean home. I love our home. It's my nest hahah. So when things started to fall into place I got a job at target and hes now at BMW and were doing pretty good, just got a BMW from a dealership. Our first big big buy. Everything was good. So when we found our we were expecting we were thrilled. Beyond excited. Because now we had the perfect environment, the jobs, the car, we could care for a child the right way, we didnt have to be around yelling and we could parent without interference. That was until the bleeding started. At 5 weeks at 6 days I was told I could miscarry. At the er. Alone. Because I told him not to worry I was probably fine. First ob appointment and sure enough something wasn't how it should be, heart was stronger, then back and forth to the drs 4 times. Well see how it goes, waiting to see progress they said. At 10 weeks the heavy bleeding started. The sac was empty but i hadn't passed our baby. That night Friday September 7th at 10:39pm I lost my child. I had a miscarriage and it was the worst experience of my life. I had to look him in the face sitting on the toilet, blank faced and said I think we lost the baby. I balled I cried harder then I ever had. We planned it all. I did so much damn reading and hoping and praying. And now here I am 2 day's away from what should have been my babys due date.

I want to call in sick all freaking week. I can't handle these emotions and anxiety attacks. I can't wait until Friday to hold it all in. I can't.

I just want to be a mom so bad. I want my Angel back.