Last night we got into this huge argument and in bed he was ignoring me so I was pushing him, shaking him, shoving him...then he pushed me off of him to subdue me and I hit him in the face...and then later he was so upset because I kept pushing him and he was trying to leave the house. Then when his back was turned I like ran towards him and pushed him, hurting his shoulder. My behavior is absolutely out of control, I can’t control my emotions whatsoever most of the time. He got really mad and ended up saying he regrets marrying me. He later apologized for that and said he didn’t mean it but I’m sure there was some truth to it or he never would’ve said it. I’m not surprised though, look what I did to him. I am so toxic... I don’t want to take medication. I have before and it was horrible. I don’t want therapy, I tried it and it didn’t help me at all.

I don’t want to die but I feel like it would just be easier for everyone. I am abusive in so many ways...mostly emotionally. I am so ashamed of myself. I look at him and I just want to cry. I have hurt him so much..I’ve broken down a beautiful and strong man. I’ve made him want to die...I can’t believe I did this to him when he’s showered me in practically nothing but love.

What’s wrong with me