I regret my abortion over a year later.
Warning: Long. Before even reading this, PLEASE, this is not something I'm writing to show women not to get abortions. I'm still extremely pro choice. An abortion was the wrong decision for me but may have been a right one for someone else who needed one. I don't want controversy if someone decides to answer this post.
I just don't know what to do. I guess I'll start from the beginning. The very beginning. It goes back as early as seventh, maybe even sixth grade. I had a small group of friends and one of my best friends had met this boy and they started to "date" as much as middle schoolers could. So we all became friends. They broke up, he dated my other friend for a really long time for 12 year olds, at least seven months. Then they broke up. Eighth grade I think is when he started to see me as desirable. He had a middle school graduation party, and he was flirting with me a lot. He ended up going to a different high school, but we still texted. I had a giant crush on his best friend and was for the most part uninterested in him. We didn't really hang out again until the end of freshman year. I honestly think it all started because I sent him a picture of my boobs in a new bikini, idk. It was a dumb move but we were like 14. I think that's when he started to see me sexually but nothing ever happened. Then we got closer towards the beginning of sophomore year. A little background context, I've always had depression. It really kinda came out during that time, and he was the only one there for me. He'd text me at 3am to tell me that he cared about me. I'd tell him when I cut myself (yes I struggled with self harm) and he'd make sure I was okay. I built up this huge trust of him and felt like we were so bonded. I'm not sure if I had feelings for him romantically or not. I'm still not. So the day before my 15th birthday we met up and I'll always remember the hug he gave me. It felt so meaningful, but I doubt it was. He kissed me that day and we made out. I wasn't sure what to think of it. Come to find out later that night that he had a girlfriend. So I told her. He gets mad, lies to her about me, she believes him. He stops talking to me but I keep chasing him for months on end with no replies to me texts. Just because it was like, this was my best friend, I trusted him
with everything, I let him in, and he lied to me and manipulated me and then left me. He broke my heart. Eventually we started talking again. Slowly at first, then we met up again at the end of sophomore year in the summer. We never got as close as we were before but we started to talk again. Flash forward to probably February or March of junior year. We started talking a lot again, but this time there were a lot of sexual jokes and flirting going on. On May 18th, 2014 I met him at the park. Everything was fine. But the thing that happened in the beginning of sophomore year was brought up and I realized he still blamed me for it. He literally said I screwed him over and I said he broke my heart and lied to me. And he looked kind of shocked. Later that day he made the comment that I was the only one of my friends who was still a virgin. Then he kissed me again later that day, and we made out, and he put his hands down my pants. I told him to stop and took his hand away but he just kinda kept going and started kissing my neck. It felt good but I knew it was wrong, because he had a girlfriend (a different one).
Eventually we ended up in the middle of the woods on a rock. And I blocked this part out I think because I don't remember much but I remember him asking me if I wanted to have sex and I said I didn't know and then I just laid back and let it happen. He didn't use a condom and it hurt really bad because I was tense and not enjoying it. He came inside me without even asking. As soon as it was over he stood up and literally said "You better not get pregnant" and "You know there's no emotion behind this right..." and then he had to leave so we kissed goodbye and he left. That was the last time I ever saw him.
I cried on a park bench, went home, showered, and pretended that I wanted it to happen. A week later, he tells me his girlfriend is pregnant. 2 weeks later, I find out I'm pregnant. Upon hearing this, he tells me "You need to get rid of it. This can't happen to me." His mom calls me and tells me the same thing. His sister goes around to my friends asking about my sex life and says "I'm totally prolife but she should abort it because it'll get in the way of him and his girlfriend." They made it clear that if I had the baby there would be no support from him. After three weeks of agonizing back and forth, literally agonizing, my mom had made the appointment for me. I wanted to be put under so I didn't have to hear anything. The procedure was fine, I went home and I was fine. After a few days, I kinda realized what I'd done. That there would be no more back and forth, I'd made my decision and I had to live with it. There was no going back. I just broke down. And for a few months after that I was okay. But it'll come and go. I'll go through periods where I regret it and hate myself and want to take my own life. And periods where I know it was the only option that made any sense for my situation. In March of 2015, I texted him and he called me. It was the first time we talked since what happened. He cried and so did I, and I believed him. I believed every word he said when he said that it hurt him too, that he didn't want to be absent but his mom made him, that I wasn't alone, and he promised me he wouldn't leave again, that we needed each other to heal. Well, that only lasted a few days. Fast forward to now. I'm in my freshman year of college, across the country from him and my family. In a healthy stable relationship with someone I love. And yet this still haunts me. He still haunts me. I feel like I'll never be able to have a normal life. I'll never be able to just be normal or move on or be clean. I still need answers from him and I'll never get them. He hasn't answered any of my texts in months, he's still with his girlfriend and him and his baby are perfectly happy. Meanwhile this whole experience still is with me. I just want it to go away. It never will. And I just want to know, did he ever even care about me as a friend? As more? As a human being? I don't know how he could do the things he did and not care. Did he ever have feelings for me? That day in 10th grade when he held me and kissed me and when he talked to me when I wanted to kill myself? That day on 8th grade graduation where he sang a dumb song to me to make me laugh? Or the day when he met me in the park on May 18th and violated me in a way I can get back? Did I ever mean ANYTHING at all to him? I don't know. Did he ever really care about the life we created together? Will he ever think about it? Or has he forgotten already? Either way it doesn't matter, he gets his perfect life and he gets his baby and he doesn't care about what ours would've been like and he never will care about anyone but himself.
And I've become obsessed with getting pregnant again, because I'm so afraid I'll never be able to.
There's so much more I could write. I just want answers and closure and I want to be able to move on and I want to just be able to forgive myself and forgive him and forget about it but I feel like I never will. Everyone says it takes time but it's been so long. Idk. idk what to do anymore.
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