I just need to get this off of my chest. I’m 4 weeks 3 days pregnant & TERRIFIED.

Not about being pregnant. I’m over the moon with being pregnant & so happy that it’s happening again. You see 5 months ago I had this same joy ripped away from me.

So while I’m excited, I’m also so worried. I don’t think I need to say what I’m worried about, that’s pretty obvious.

I celebrate every single day that I’m still pregnant, & obsessively test. I lay around not wanting to do anything else until I can hear a heartbeat & know everything’s ok.

Every time I feel discharge I run to the restroom to make sure it isn’t blood. Every cramp I feel (there’s been quite a few) I’m doing a google search. “Cramps are normal” “Cramps aren’t normal” “You’ll be fine” “It’s a sign of miscarriage”. Cue the deep sigh.

I pushed my partner away (until this morning) because I was too scared sex would cause a miscarriage. He kisses my belly everyday & is working SO hard to pay things off so we’ll have even more cushion to our income.

I wonder if I shouldn’t have had sex. I google everything I eat before I eat it. I look at cute maternity shirts, put them in my cart, and then close my browser. I browse Pinterest for baby shower & announcement ideas and then defeatedly exit the app.

My anxiety is THROUGH THE ROOF with each passing day. I wish I could be one of those girls that find out they’re pregnant & their only worry is picking a name, announcing to family, etc. I wish I could be one of those girls that the thought of miscarrying doesn’t even cross their mind.

But once you’ve been scarred before, it just doesn’t work like that. I know so many of you understand. Thank you for listening. ❤️

I WILL CARRY THIS BABY TO FULL TERM. I WILL DELIVER A BEAUTIFUL, HEALTHY BABY. I WILL BE A MOMMY DECEMBER 2019. ❤️

Heartbeat at 10 weeks