I’m writing to get this off my chest because sometimes the guilt just wrecks me and it’s too much to bear. About 5 years ago I met a guy named Brian at my local church. He was good looking, charismatic and very charming. We all knew he was dating another girl and so I thought he was only being friendly when he talked to me. He would make advances and I’d try and shut it down but he would occasionally come back and talk about how he really didn’t love her and he wanted to leave her for me. I was dealing with my own self esteem issues so to have someone attractive tell me all these things I desperately needed to hear felt good. Fast forward to 2 years later, after this on and off casual conversation, he forced me to have sex with him. I remember being in a car with him in an isolated place. I remember him trying to get my panties off and I kept saying no. I remember him getting on top of me and I kept saying no. I wasn’t even kissing him back but he kept going. Then I felt his penis on my vaginal area but I was like, there’s no way he’s forcing himself in me when I’m clearly saying no. I was a virgin then and had a very wrong perception of sex. I was sure I’d bleed the first time I had sex. Or that I’d know it was happening or that it’d hurt. It was only when I got home after and told my friend what happened that she told me I’d had sex. I couldn’t believe it but then it was too late. I was so mad but he assured me he loved me and that he wanted me to have his baby. A few months after this, I shut it down because I was tired of feeling like I’m worthless when I could be with someone who would be for me from the very start. I started dating my now husband a year after that. One night we got super drunk so I could have the guts to tell him what I’d done. He was mad at this guy because we both go to the same church and he threatened to beat him up. But I told him it wasn’t worth it and that we should move on.

I’m being triggered now because I’ve just heard that he still hasn’t stopped sexually harassing other women and I’m mad he hasn’t stopped.. I can’t go through the emotional trauma of opening up those wounds again by speaking out. But he’s clearly a psycho and I cant help sometimes feel guilty for not shutting Brian down from the onset or for not speaking out so that I could have prevented him from harassing other women and girls. I made a fucked up decision being involved with him In the first place. I was young and naive and desperate for some validation. I just want to find peace in my heart and realize that he has no power over me.

I thank God I found my husband when I did. My man loves me warts and all and he cherishes me in a way I didn’t know was possible. But I want the pain to go away forever.