This is going to be a long one....

So pregnancy was non eventful . Was a textbook pregnancy.... and then.... my water broke at 39+5 ... but I was left by the hospital with my waters broken for about 52 hours. I then went to the labour ward to be induced via IV as I wasnt getting any contractions.

I went to the ward and within 20min they found that the baby was stressed and tachiachardic so instantly lots of people came rushing in and the next minute I was rushed for an emergency c section. What happened during that time I have absolutely no idea. I cant remember anything. I cant blame the drugs because I didnt have any. I just cant remember anything that went on. The next minute I was having a spinal block to which i only thought there were 3 people in the room turns out there was over 15 in the emergency team. Another thing I mentally blocked out. Then not long after my baby was there. I dont remember going to recovery. To add to everything I went back to the ward and then within 12 hours after the baby not feeding I was told my baby needed a spinal lumbar puncture as he (and I) had an infection to which they told me they are treating him for meningitis and sepsis *luckily he reacted well to his iv and this helped treat the infection*. A normal infection marker is 4.... his was 35 when first checked and that went up to 145 then back down again. Staying in hospital he was put in an incubator across the hospital. I spent the first 3 days of his life without my baby. Hospital have been home visiting him to continue with his ivs and all got better. Hes fine now. Hes perfect. However my mind is not. I cant get over the fact I cant remember what went on in hospital in parts. It was meant to be a magical experience and I hated every minute. I'm finding motherhood really hard. I'm exhausted. I cry day in day out telling my hubby how much I cant do it and want my own life back. I love my little man but i just camt deal with all the changes. I feel like the rushed procedure of birth made me feel really disconnected with the birth. I feel I have to surround myself with people to feel a sense of normality but I'm exhausted. I just want someone to take over for me for a few days. I feel awful for feeling this way :(