One of my friends just announced on social media she’s having a girl. She told me via text last week so I should been prepared.

I lost my baby girl at 23 weeks January 4th of this year.

It felt like a punch in the stomach. I don’t know why I reacted the way I did. I immediately started crying and it turned into a full panic attack. I knew it would get harder as my due date grew closer. I was supposed to have my daughter May 6th.

I’m trying to find comfort in the fact that I’m pregnant again. That this little rainbow will make it and I’ll get to hold him/her come December.

I just want these triggers to stop. I hate feeling this way when I should be feeling happy for my friend. I just can’t separate my pain enough to find the joy in my heart for her. It’s not a jealous feeling, it’s just a reminder of my loss.

Here is the final ultrasound we had of our Olivia.