Just need a big rant

At my wits end. And I hate that I am.

I love him, and he says he loves me.

But I’m tired of being so alone.

I’m in hospital so frequently and he never visits but says he misses me. He didn’t visit me in hospital when I went through 2 procedures because I lost our baby. When I was at the end of my line and about to OD, he said he couldn’t come to me because he was with his mates which he ‘doesn’t get to see much anymore’. It’s a stretch to get him around my family or to go the places I enjoy. Even when I black and white asked him to visit me in ICU over and over, on multiple occasions he rarely did, and he only ever came along with his mum.

He wouldn’t come to the ER when I started miscarrying unless his mum took us. He called me “fucking stupid” for how much I let the miscarriage get to me. He used to have feelings for one of my (ex) closest friends and admitted it on our second anniversary. I gave up all my friendships for him. One guy who was like a BROTHER I left behind. When I start trying to have a friendship with some old mates, it’s constantly brought up till I leave them behind too. You said you wish I would just cheat on you so it’s “over and done with” although I’d never even CONSIDER it. You know how alone I feel yet I’m sitting in hospital right now, you finished work early and don’t work tomorrow yet you still couldn’t come to see me. You know how hard it is for me to be alone here.

Why do I still care and why I am still in love when it feels like my heart is being tore open. I would do anything for you, be anywhere for you, give up everything for you, yet you won’t even begin to do the same in return. I’m so stressed about this that it physically hurts in my chest and my head. It just hurts, I don’t know if I can spend another week, months or year being alone when it matters most.