*TRIGGER WARNING*

(Also idk where to post this....)

My ugly truth of infertility.

They say 1 and 8. But everyone around me is happy pregnant or happily content with their family of 3,4 and so on.

But you know what. It sucks rocks.

I cry. Daily. Sometimes multiple times a day.

I lie to my closest friends and family saying I’m okay, that God has a plan and that we will make it through this.

But in secret,

I am a mess.

Broken. Hurt. Still. Stuck.

In this moment that feels like an eternity.

I cry but no one notices. I scream but I’m not heard. I fight but I have no fight left.

They say:

Your so young,

If it’s meant to happen it will,

Why don’t you just adopt,

Just relax.

Let me tell you something about infertility.

Pcos- doesn’t relax. High prolactin levels/ don’t relax. Low sperm count- doesn’t relax.

So again you say: adopt.

I say maybe one day as I’m paying off my 80k in countless surgeries,

<a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>

rounds, medications and injections.

You say: take out a loan. Yeah another 30-60k sounds great doesn’t it.

After four years of pursuing this. I am done fighting. My tribe of 11 babies in heaven, I will meet you one day.

It’s only been five months since I gave up. And I still have these moments. Of straight agony. And feeling stuck. And I have no one. I am silenced.

Some days are better than others.

But as for today.

Today I am allowed to hurt, cry and scream. I’m allowed to question and doubt. I’m allowed to feel my feelings.

Because I know that my God is still good. Regardless.

You are not alone. And neither am I.

1 in 8.

1 in 4.

(Here’s just a few pics of my journey.)