I “call” myself an asexual but I don’t know what I am...I rarely, but do get horny. When I do, I do touch myself and yeah it satisfies me...in the moment but right after I feel horrible. Just dirty and guilty...FOR NO REASON!!! Yeah I have been raped and molested more than I can count but IM OVER THAT so thats not whats bothering me! I have never had consensual sex meaning that I’ve only been sexually active the times I was raped but, I want to have sex. Technically I’m a virgin since I’ve never willingly had sex and I want to have sex but don’t know how I’ll react to it...emotionally as soon as its all over! When I’m touching myself exactly after I’m done having an orgasm the guilt and shame just dead ass hits me without even a second passes. Don’t even have time to process. I have this guy friend. He’s wonderful. He knows everything about me and ALL my situations. He’s been the best blessing thats ever happened in my life. I love him so much! He’s 💯My Inspiration👌🏽,🦄My Motivation😍, and 🙌🏽My Love😚💖! We’re not dating just really good friends. I want my real first time to be with him and I’ve told him this. He’s down with whatever I am he knows me well. He’s the most motivational/inspirational, sweet, caring, and very respectful person you’d ever meet. He’s my world. I do have feelings for him and he knows but it’s complicated. The other thing is I’m not attracted to people sexually. I am heterosexual (I’m straight) so I only get attracted to guys but it’s all about the personality and person they are. I’ve never met anyone like him and we’ve agreed to have sex. I want to and I’m not backing down because I feel like I’m ready. He does keep telling me that he’s not like all the ones who’ve hurt me in the past and that I can change my mind and back down at any minute meaning before it happens, during or anytime because he doesn’t wanna make me do anything I don’t want to and doesn’t want me to feel pressured....... I want to do this....I just don’t wanna feel that same guilt, shame, and filthiness after we’re done and definitely don’t want him to think it was his fault for me feeling that way. I don’t know why I have this feeling after any sexual activity and I DONT WANT TO!!! I don’t know what I can do to change that horrible feeling I feel afterwards..