Why’s it so hard to walk away even when you’re being abused

So me and my Partner have been together 4 years and it’s only now I’m starting to really struggle with life It started a year into our relationship when he started using our dog in arguments he’d kick her or threaten to hurt her if I didn’t agree with him

And then a year after my first son was born he hurt my son so I reported it to the police and it went to court

And then after some time apart he told me he’d taken councilling and anger management courses and gave the whole ‘it will never happen again’ speech

Soon after we got back together he’d start locking me in the house if we argued he’d grab hold of my wrists and then chocking me against doors if I tried to run away

He uses my children against me so I have to stay in the house

When I was pregnant with my second child he threw me to the floor more than once when trying to leave the house he constantly puts me down calls me a mess and says I need help mentally he makes me feel so worthless

Then the other night he found out I’d meeted a friend while he was at work and he just went too far he’s upset me a lot in the past but I feared for my life

He grabbed a knife and put it to his chest and then mine and said he’d hurt himself if I didn’t tell him who I met he threw stuff at me and then he grabbed hold of me and threw me into the kitchen he told me to kill myself and slammed the door as I was trying to get out and I trapped my leg

And now he’s watching me constantly

I have to give him my phone, and had to block my only female friend because he doesn’t like me talking about him to her

He’s suffocating me he stands outside the toilet and is constantly asking me what I’m thinking about telling me to look ‘happy’

And to stop looking so miserable

So the police have just been around to ask me if anything happened because the neighbors reported a disturbance saying the heard a girl screaming the other night and I just said ‘no’ ....

This isn’t the the way to live l know that

But

I feel like I have to be so so careful what I say or how I look like the smallest things Set him off

I have two young children and I feel so alone like no one understands I feel

And I just needed to vent this out