I apologize of I am in the wrong group, i tried posting in relationships but all I got was "leave him" ugh. So here's my story, kind of a rant, I'll try to keep it short.

I am so sad About having to wait to start our TCC journey. When we talk, he seems to be on the same page as me, super excited to have kids, we even talk about names. Than when we have sex he wears and condom AND pulls out, he's really trying hard not to get pregnant, than the next day he'll start talking about having kids. It breaks my heart because when we talk about kids i ask him why he says all this than doesn't act in it? He says he's not ready, than next conversation will be about how he can't wait. I am getting such mixed signals. It's been almost a year since this back and forth started. I'm starting to get depressed, he'll say "we'll try in 3 months" and and then 3 months come and he says another 3 months.... it's been like that for a year now. I feel it pulling me away from him. I don't even enjoy sex anymore because i just get upset. We have sex maybe 3 or 4 times a month because i am never in the mood anymore. I tried asking him if he'll go to therapy but he says "we don't have any issues" I Seriously am getting so sad and mad about this. He knows ever since i was 12 i new i wanted a family as soon as possible and responsibilities were taken care of. First he said when we get our own place will try, now we've been here for a year. Then he said when we both get better jobs try. We both got raises and brining in $60k a year now. Than he said we needed better cars. We just got 2 new 2017 Handa's. Now he's saying he wants to wait even more. I feel like i can't get a real answer. I tried sitting down With him to go over every aspect of what having a baby means, financially, emotionally, how it will change our relationship and our home dynamix. And he agrees with me on everything that we are ready in all of those aspects. He knows we're ready money-wise. He knows we have a stable home. He knows that our relationship is ready. but yet when it comes down to it he tries so hard to avoid getting me pregnant. I just don't understand. I feel it hurting our relationship. I cry everyday, it's so unhealthy, the feeling I get when I think about being pregnant, makes my stomach drop and my heart burn. I want it so bad that I can't even picture myself being pregnant because it seems like a fairytale dream that is too good to be true. it hurts to want something so so so bad and feel like it's just getting further away. I sit here and walk all of our friends have babies and of course I'm happy for them, but i will not lie, I am bitter and jealous. we've even talked about responsibilities once the baby is here, what I will do what he will do. He will stay at his job and I will stay home for probably six months and then continue working (I am a nanny, so I would be able to take my baby with me) his job even has family benefits that covers maternity costs and even has a day care funding program!!!! They will even pay for my pregnancy/ mommy classes like yoga and all the other classes you can take. Like how much more perfect could things get?? I told him there are families out there who don't even have a fraction of what we have, money-wise, benefits wise, and they still have kids because it's about bringing a soul into this life that you promise to love unconditionally. I told him that if other people can make it work with half of our yearly income, that we would have no problem. I am truly sad. How did the TTC journey start for you girls? Was your spouse skeptical at first? Felt better once it happened? I don't know what to do😔 I feel a heavy weight on my chest everyday. and on top of that I have PCOS so I told him the process is going to take long time, it won't just happen right away so I want to start trying. who knows it could be a year or two years after we start trying. Even if it happened the first month by God's grace, it's not like we would be scavenging around to make it work. We would still be set. My heart feels broken....I love him so much and I'll never push him into something he's not ready for, which makes me scared because what if I'm waiting our entire lives and it never happens. I could never leave him. I have everything I want with him, but my dream of having kids is just important to me.I knew I wanted to be a mommy literally since I was 12 years old, my entire life I've read books, I've taught myself so much about pregnancies and newborns and what to do and what not to do. At this point it feels like it will never happen. Any advice? Please be kind, I'm due for my period any day and super emotional, i always get emotional because i always pray that maybe just maybe it'll be a lucky month, but i know deep down inside I won't get a positive because of how persistent my husband is about avoiding pregnancy. Yet my heart still holds on the a strand of hope.

UPDATE #1

so I spoke with him again, like you ladies have suggested. And he told me flat out that he recognizes we are ready for a child in every aspect and he said he can't wait to be a father and to have children with me. So I asked him what's holding him back and he said "I I recognize we are ready for a child in every area of our life, we are prepared. But when I think about raising a child I got a little bit stressed out, so I want to wait until I can think about raising a child and 100% not feel stressed about it" I told him that is literally never going to happen. Raising a child is stressful but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. I told him if he waits until he doesn't feel stress when he thinks about raising a teenager, then he's never going to get around to having kids. having kids isn't easy but it's fuckong worth it and I'm tired of waiting. He said he wants to wait until he feels 100% no type of stress. He said financially, emotionally, and physically he recognizes we are ready. I honestly don't know what else to do. As much as I want a child I also know that that's going to bring stress, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. Raising kids is fucking stressful but that doesn't mean you just don't have kids. I don't feel any better. he said he will not start trying until the day comes that he feels no stress. what the hell do I do because I'm really fed up. The fact that we are overly ready and he's still saying no just makes my heart break into a thousand pieces and makes me not even want to be intimate with him. I'm sorry I know i may sound bitter, probably because i have my period and extra emotional, but I'm so mad and hurt. I'm giving myself time to calm down before i follow up with him because at this point I am just angry and don't even want to talk to him. I told him it doesn't happen over night, i have PCOS, it's going to be a process, my doctor said it will be hard for me. Ugh MY HEART💔💔💔