I grew up in a very loving but strict household. I had older parents who avoided the topic of sex at all costs. I always felt ashamed of feeling sexual because of how my church preached to the young women about how dirty those thoughts were. I can honestly say that I didn’t truly become open and honest with my sexuality and my needs and desires until long after I was married.

Before I met my husband. I had a short fling with a man 20 years older than me who gave me my first orgasms and sense of sexual liberation. I loved him and his dominating but sensual demeanor. We made love often but also fucked hard and dirty, and it was amazing. It wasn’t something that could really work out, though, and I cut things off with him after I met my husband. My husband was present and nice and loving; sex was good for him which was all I was told should truly matter, and he was was exactly what I was told a real husband should be.

My husband turned very manipulative and controlling the first years of our marriage while he was in the military, and it wasn’t until years of therapy that we got to a very successful, loving place. I was so miserable and depressed and the birth of our first child made it worse. During this time I wrongfully reconnected with the older man from my past after he reached out and had a short emotional affair that my husband is aware of and still occasionally reminds me of.

All of this to say that I’m realizing now almost a decade later that the type of sex I had with that older gentleman is what I truly desire and maybe that’s why I went back to those emotions. The man I have zero desire for, but the way I felt I am absolutely needing. I still desire those feelings of being thrown around, dominated, thoroughly fucked until exhaustion, teased, but also the ability to truly deeply connect and make love. I don’t have that now. I truly love my husband; he is my best friend and an amazing father. We do life together so well, but I can’t have sex with him and enjoy it without thinking about other people for excitement. We went through 2 years of sex therapy. Tried introducing things I like and he was very turned off by them. He does not have a dominating personality at all and faking it for me makes me feel truly disturbed. His style is very vanilla and that’s not a bad thing, but I don’t want to sit and caress for sex the rest of my life. The reality is that sex wise we want two different people in bed. So, I’ve been thinking about that being an option honestly. What if we saw other people for sex? It’s not as if we haven’t tried vigorously to meet each other’s needs and seek professional help for improvement, but I want him to be happy with sex just as much as I do! I don’t want our love to die because we resent each other in bed, but mama needs to be taken care of. What in the world do I do with this??