And just realized Mother’s Day is this weekend. I’m heartbroken.

I think labor started a week ago. I went to ER last weekend and their monitors were placed over the middle of my belly, but I have two uteruses so their monitor wasn’t picking up contractions. Baby was on the right. Baby was fine then so they sent me home. Same contractions all week but I assumed it was Braxton Hicks and kept drinking lots of water.

Then this weekend that just past, I regret to say I felt the contractions but was afraid to jump up in the middle of the night and go to the hospital “for nothing” since I have a four year old at home. PPROM the next day 5am in the morning at 22 weeks 4 days. I fell asleep hoping I was overthinking it, hoping I just needed to pee really bad. Caught a fever a few hours later. Went to a different hospital. There the hospital told me they’d have to give me pills vaginally to progress labor because there was no fluid and an infection was developing. They explained they don’t consider the babies viable until 23 weeks and that they wouldn’t try to give him oxygen or save him, they would just let him go on his own. His heartbeat was good and contractions stopped so I declined treatment and went home at 6 am thinking I’d be able to make it to 23 weeks at least which is when they said they’d be able to try to save his life.

On my way home the contractions started again, I still went home and fell asleep hoping they’d stop. I woke up around 10 am because they were beginning to become painful. I prayed so hard. Finally went back to hospital and on the way there the contractions were unbearable. 10 CM dilated and his feet were already coming out (breech). I delivered him and the pediatrician told me there was no heartbeat. I was a mess. Then I think I went into shock. But it hit me like a train when I woke up today and I’m a mess again.

If anyone going through this or if those who have gone through it could offer me some advice for coping, I’d appreciate it.

How did you tell people when they ask questions? How do you deal with the way it hurts when it hits you all over again?

My doctor reassured me immediately after delivery that the chances of this happening again are like 1 in 2,000 or something like that (I forget the number he gave me). And that I can try again in a couple of months. I know I can have another baby one day, but it’s like I’d feel so guilty for it because it’s not him. Like I’d be ashamed, guilty or even afraid to love that baby because of this.

I’m so hurt. He looked just like his daddy, he was so beautiful. Tiny and early but I could still tell that he would have been so beautiful. Mine and my fiancées first baby in common.

Prayers appreciated.