So today is my 30th birthday (May 8). It should be a joyous day. I should have gone to work, had well wishes from colleagues and friends, and then go out for a romantic dinner with my husband. Today was a long way from that.

Let’s go back to a little over a month ago first. April 1st. April fools day. My period is a little late which is not unusual for me. I decided to take a pregnancy test. My husband is snoring in the next room and I am patiently waiting in the early morning to see if just one or two little lines appear. 3 minutes pass and I look at the test...negative. Ok, my period is just late. I leave the test on the counter and start to get ready for work. I look down and think, “wait, are there actually two little line?” Yes! I really think there are. But it’s so faint and passed the allotted time for tests, I’ll try again tomorrow and confirm. I go to work, smiling like an idiot all day and go to be that night.

*so faint i must have line eyes 👀

April 2nd arrives and i go to the bathroom. I can hear him snoring in the next room again. Take a test and can you believe it. It’s still not bright but it’s definitely there. Two lines! I’m so happy! 🥰 hubby wakes up and is a bit grumpy, so i tell him nice and calmly. “Your going to be a daddy!”

*second day, woohoo it’s true! 😃

I go to the walk-in clinic. Get blood work done to confirm pregnancy. All looks great. I feel bloated already and my boobs are sore. Woohoo! We start to tell some friends and our families over the next few weeks.

I continue to bloat and my sense of smell gets a bit heightened, but otherwise i feel great.

*7 week bloat!

Fast forwards a touch. We arrive into May!

Wed, May 1st. I get pushed in the stomach by a student at work. (I work in Special education setting) Honestly, if I wasn’t pregnant I wouldn’t have been worried. But there I end up in my bosses office telling him everything. This opens the waterworks 💦 that have so far been at bay. I decided to go to the clinic to ease my mind and just get checked.

The doctor sends me for an ultrasound that day to check in on things, but he’s not worried. Go for the ultrasound and the technician confirms it’s a uterine pregnancy. (Phew! I was so worried about ectopic) wait a few more hours, and the doctor calls. I’m only measuring 6 weeks 1 day..... “um....ok thanks doc”.... and there’s no heartbeat detected.

*it’s super small and blurry but i took a pic of the ultrasound screen when the tech left the room. You can kinda see a little bean in two of the pics.

A few days pass. I have had slight pulling like cramps throughout the whole pregnancy so far, which i read is normal, not to worry. But they get a little worse. I realize that date the doctor gave me. It just can’t be right. Measuring 6 weeks 1 day? I should at the very minimum be at least 7 and a half! Oh no, I’m thinking the worst.

Sat, May 4- bleeding. God damn it! Bleeding. “Alright hunny, time to go to the hospital”. Doctor there does blood work and asks us to come back in three days.

Tues, May 7- i have been bleeding on and off since Saturday and cramping too. Nothing crazy. Maybe....maybe.... there’s a small chance??? Some hope, please? Sadly no, HCG levels dropped from 18,000 to 16,000 in the three days. It’s official and scary and everything we were terrified of, but kind of knew was inevitable. I’m just so sad 😭.

That brings us to today. May 8, my birthday. Back to the hospital for 7, yes 7, friggen hours to have an ultrasound and vaginal exam. In a hallway with pregnant ladies and walking back and forth and babies crying in the next room. I kept it together through all that. I kept it together when the Doctor is sad with us but tells me i should be able to pass it naturally. It may take a while, but i should be able to do it. I lost it when i thanked the hardworking doctor as we left and said, “it’s not how i wanted to spend my 30th birthday, but thank you for being so kind and helpful.” The look she gave me made me cry so hard. 😭

So now i sit with cramps and bleeding. A headache from sitting in a hospital all day.

One small thing that made me smile, flowers waiting at my door when we got home, from my sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew who live far away from us so they can’t offer in person hugs.

*aren’t they beautiful

And of course my husband. For being with me through every step of this. I love him more than I can express.

If you got through this, thank you for reading. All the best to my fellow momma’s of angels 👼 out there. 💕