I lost a part of me and I can’t get it back

Hi guys. I was raped a couple years ago by my old best friends older cousin a few times. He groomed me and physically abused me if I didn’t do as he said. I was 15 and he was 27. I’m now 22 and just graduated college yesterday (yay!).

Today, my current boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years and he’s the love of my life. He’s supportive, understanding and so genuine- sometimes I feel that I don’t deserve him because the last time I was with a man he abused me.

When we started having sex I couldn’t have it without crying. I felt guilty and dirty but he supported me. I’ve been dealing with a lot of unburied trauma lately from the abuse and I feel so empty. I’ve never felt this way, i cant explain it. I feel like a part of me is missing and I haven’t had her back since that moment. Its really hitting me hard. I feel stunted in my growth. I want to so badly have a normal relationship and have sex and be affectionate. It’s so hard because I want this so badly but I can’t do it without breaking down. It’s affecting our relationship because I haven’t been affectionate and touchy (not sexually) and it kills me to know that I’m doing so. I feel that I don’t have control of my body and my life. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it possible to feel while again? I’m going to start therapy next week, but I feel so alone. Thanks :)