This is what happened to me

I dont really know what I’m doing and I don’t know how to start this I think I just want to tell someone.

I haven’t ever said it out loud before, or even written it down. 9 years ago I was raped in the back of a car by who I thought was my friend.

He’s about a foot and some change taller than me and probably 30lbs one me. He was so heavy on top of me I could barely breathe. I left the party he invited me too and he didn’t want me to go so he chased me and pined me against a bronco, I don’t know why I remember the make of the car, the back door was open and he pushed me in.

After that all I remember is the sounds, the rustle of my dress being moved up the ripper and hot breathe above me when he was done I was aloud to leave I got up, went to my car got home and went to bed. The next day hurt so badly physically and mentally I ran into him at my favorite coffee place trying to make myself feel warm with the coffee. He said last night was fun we should do it again. Then handed me my earring and said you for got this in my car then he winked at me.

1 year later my girlfriend rapped me. She was so drunk she can’t remember it. She was pissed off that night. when I came to bed after her getting absolutely plastered. She started to grab me I asked her to stop and she didn’t. She just kept going. I was on my period and she reached down and yanked my tampon out I kept asking her to stop then it all cam back the Branco the stiffness of my muscles. I just let it happen. Then I dated her for another year, and it happened again and again and again, every time she was drunk.

The thing is I still feel attracted to people but I never want them to touch me. Is that strange? I feel so disgusted with myself when Im attracted to someone, I get so sick.

I feel dumb that this happened to me. I’m still so angry I’m still so angry with myself I let it happen to me twice now.