I am going to do a series of my experience decreasing my libido (sex drive) with a low dosage of Paxil, an antidepressant, recommended by my doctor.

I will number the posts in order as I write a new one, following “I Want Sex More Than My Partner: (Chapter Title).”

This story is about finding myself, and compromise and harmony between two people who want to be together. My partner and I have been dating for 3 months. I know, it may be uncommon for these issues to arise so soon.

Taking Paxil is an experiment for me. It may not be your style, and typically is not mine, but I’m open-minded and have tried many things.

If you choose to express concerns/complaints, please be compassionate and respectful.

Thank you for reading.

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DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT:

Today I had a doctor’s appointment, and hesitantly expressed that I want to depress my libido. It has always been higher than all of my sexual partners, and it has caused an issue in my relationships.

I have stayed away from antidepressants but my doctor recommended this as the most common solution for people who try to decrease their libido.

My high libido is a result of both physical urge and cognitive behavior.

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PHYSICAL URGE TO ORGASM:

I started masturbating at age 10 and I wouldn’t mind doing that for years without having a partner. However, when I do have a partner, I want to have the experience of making each other orgasm.

I have masturbated every day for years until recently because I’m trying to maintain it. I‘ve spent whole days masturbating from 11am to 6pm (this has only happened maybe 3 times in my life). I can make myself orgasm 5 times consecutively if I am in the mental state.

When I was younger up until this day, I climax to solve everything: when I’m sad, when I’m happy, when I’m horny, when I’m stressed, when I’m anxious, when I’m depressed, when I’m distracted.

I never found another outlet. I grew up playing sports and today I am at a healthy weight (120 pounds). The unhealthiest thing about my life is my poor, inconsistent sleeping habits of 3 to 6 hours a night. I would think the poor sleeping habits would decrease sex drive but I prioritize sex over sleep, unlike the majority of people I know in relationships.

Sometimes it feels like I cannot do anything or feel calm until I make myself orgasm.

Bringing that into a relationship I have found to be unhealthy.

My physical urge to release dominates my ability to build emotional intimacy.

COGNITIVE:

Because of my physical urge to orgasm, I resulted to watching porn at age 10 to quickly get off. For almost 15 years, today at age 25, I did not have any meaningful sexual experiences. I always loved the act of sex and always wanted to pleasure my partner, but more so because I didn’t want to be bad and for slight selfish reasons to boost my internal ego.

I’ve also felt like in my past experiences, men have not cared for my pleasure. I learned how to demand for pleasure, too. But that also created this disconnection where again it was only for physical needs and not in a way that showed ai cared for the other person.

I am now learning how to express the emotional side during sex. That is because I’ve recently had partners who cared for my pleasure emotionally first by telling me it is fine if I wanted to wait. That had never happened to me before and typically guys have made me feel rushed and like they wouldn’t like me if I didn’t have sex with them, which made me dichotomously peg sex to love. That made me value myself in relationships differently.

Outside of relationships, I am this strong independent woman who works hard and is respected. And I am not provocative in work environments.

I see the world dichotomously (B&W), and have compartmentalized my personal and business relationships. Now I am realizing how it may not be so sufficient to compartmentalize that much.

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When my past and current partner(s) don’t want to have sex with me regularly, I feel unloved, undesired, etc.

I need to be okay with other types of affection. My partner has a very low sex drive but shows affection by holding my hand, cuddling with me and kissing me a lot.

In my ideal world, I would have sex with my partner for hours a day, with 5 to 8 sessions where I orgasm each time.

I can be happy with having sex with one person, but maintaining that level with one partner is difficult to sustain. I do not need to go out every night and have sex. I can go months without having sex with someone it if I choose to.

It is difficult to practice emotional intimacy when I feel like my partner doesn’t want me physically. I think he doesn’t want to have sex at times because he feels pressured. I don’t want to be pushy, so I try to hold it in but he knows I am frustrated which is this sad cycle between us not feeling love and getting the what we need, creating an emotional dissonance.

It creates this stifled resentment on both ends from a cycle of him not having sex because he’s low-key upset/tired and me wanting to express it due to guilt feeling resentment on both ends.

My partner has also denied sex because he was upset that his roommate and I talked in his room when he was trying to work. He put on his noise-blocking headphones so I thought that resolved the problem. He didn’t tell me til days later that I upset him by not leaving the room. I was hurt by the fact that he didn’t express this to me sooner or at the time he was frustrated. It was an easy “hey can you get out of my room so I can work please” and he agreed that he didn’t do his part to communicate. I also agreed that I could have been more thoughtful.

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My partner seems to care when I’m upset and wants me to talk. When I express my feelings, he becomes defensive and his self-justifying responses make it impossible to listen. It is exhausting to express the same emotions, feeling unheard, so I shut down.

He made me cry for the first time last weekend at a house party. I was alone outside in the rain while waiting for my Lyft. I cried because I felt like he didn’t care about me which was caused by a bunch of little events that added up. He only ran after me to the top of the stairs because he only had his socks on. His response: “I can’t help you if you’re all the way down the steps and I am up here without shoes. Come up here and talk to me.” In my mind, he had time to put his shoes on and in his mind, I should have walked to the top since he didn’t have shoes on. He decides to go inside and my Lyft arrived shortly after.

This scene is the metaphor of two people who did not care to meet in the middle. We gave up. It is difficult for two people with trust issues to fully surrender. It has felt like one person at a time needs to prove their trustworthiness and ability to love unconditionally before both go all in and learn to balance, just like a seesaw.

On the way home I messaged him I was over everything and tired of not being listened to. He then sent me his location to show he was also on his way home to meet me there since I was picking up my stuff.

He arrived shortly after me as I was packing my stuff to go to my apartment. I then sat down on the couch as he sat on his bed, facing me. I began to articulate my feelings clearly for the first time, but with tears running down my face. He expressed he was sad that I was sad and began to listen for the first time.

“It is hurtful that the only time I feel like you will listen is when I’m this upset, reduced to tears. This can easily become a toxic cycle. I don’t want that result, and I will end this if the relationship begins to suffer from such.”

I expressed feeling unheard and misunderstood. I also brought up how even though I want sex more than him, it makes me feel unloved when he says things like “I just don’t need sex as much and that’s just how I am” rather than asking what I need and want with the intention to meet in the middle. I had come to him every time we hangout, I made his bed and cleaned his clothes (which I’ve done for no one before), and I’ve bought him thoughtful small gifts. I felt unappreciated.

I also have done a poor job of expressing my appreciation when he puts in effort. He got me pretty earrings from his business trip, took me out when I asked, and tried to put in more quality time with me. But I still felt empty and began asking myself “am I asking for too much, am I asking the wrong person, and/or and am I not patient enough. Maybe we have completely different styles and desires. I don’t want to feel like I’m changing a person.”

I expressed how I feel like we are on separate teams and that I feel like he only does things when he feels like it.

He agreed and said he wants to be with me and try, so here I am giving it another chance.

We had amazing sex that night which lead to a great Sunday together.

If he were anyone else, I would have left by now. But I really enjoy being with him and I love that he wants to be these things for me. He’s inexperienced and so am I in some departments.

Perhaps my partner and I can figure out how to compromise and harmonize.

I want to grow together.

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I’m continuing my therapy I had started back in January and adding Paxil to see if sex becomes less distracting for me, in hopes that it will allow me to focus and connect emotionally.

I’ll be documenting the effects Paxil has on my libido and cognitive behavior.