Want to be wanted!

Coming here to rant because I get more support on this app than in my day to day life!! 💕. But I really just want to be wanted. I’m 21 years old now & I have always felt ... invisible, i suppose. & no matter how great I am to everyone i never receive the same. I show everyone love, genuinely, idk any other way to be, & it seems to get me nowhere lol always on the receiving end of some kind of hurt!!!

SO This guy I’m talking to.. we’ve been talking (again!!!) for the past month. I’ve known him for about 7 years. We’ve been connecting and spending a decent amount of time together and I am falling. I’ve honestly had and harbored feelings for him over the 7 yrs we’ve known each other & he’s done the same but now all of a sudden after his many failed relationships, he says he’s afraid of love and doesn’t wanna rush into something else. But this is all he’s ever done.. with people that had bad intentions w him from the start.. and that never stopped him. Then after they fail he comes back and speaks to me..

It’s understandable that he’s scared but he seems to group me w the others he’s been with. I’ve been hurt too. He knows this, he knows all this, & he knows given his track record how I should be hesitant to open up to him but I really have lately.... I don’t want anything from him. I just want someone to talk & listen to, someone to spend time with, someone to show me how it feels to be on the receiving end of love & I’m scared that I’m gonna keep falling deeper and it not go anywhere again.

We’re adults now, not teenagers like when we met, and it’s somewhat aggravating that I have to pay for the pain that others & his past choices caused because I do not put that burden on him. I almost feel like it’s a cop out.. Idk but I just feel completely comfortable being myself w him & I wanna show him that people can just want him without there being an ulterior motive.... like he says he doesn’t want to lose me this time but I can’t help but somewhat worry that I may end up hurt in all this.

He’s been really great though and more open than ever so I’ll give it some more time to keep being open and honest with each other and see where this goes.. I just hope it’s not all for nothing...because although I’d never in five million years admit it to him.....I love him. A lot. But I can’t keep doing this thing where we come into each other’s lives, get all close, then go about our lives and never take it further. Not this time. The feelings are different. I told him this is the last time & I mean it. He’s talked about wanting to be with me for years so this is his opportunity to show that. I’ve been honest and told him what I want, it’s up to him. But if he decides that this is just me filling in a void once more... or that this is temporary..I can’t be the open door he runs back to anymore if this doesn’t work out.. it just hurts me too much & I’ve worked too hard to build up the strength I have now to let it be dragged down by another man.

WOW this was long. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk😂😂