This was my first pregnancy. I would have been 10 weeks tomorrow. These past 5 days have been a complete nightmare and I’m not sure how I’m going to get through this.

Monday was my first ultrasound appointment. I was 9 weeks and 2 days. I was so nervous for that appointment. I kept feeling like something was going to happen... but I’m a worrier by nature. During my appointment, the baby was only measuring at 6 weeks. But my sac was measuring at 8. My baby had no heartbeat.

I was devastated. My world stopped turning in an instant. I was (and am) so mad at my body because for 3 weeks I have felt very pregnant. My body had no idea... and for three weeks I was prepping for my little love. My awaited appointment ended with scheduling a d&c for this past Wednesday. They drew my blood during my appointment Monday, so I couldn’t help but ask my OB what my levels were on Wednesday. My hcg levels came back to over 101 thousand. My body still, had no idea.

I’ve been a complete wreck... this emotional rollercoaster has not slowed down. I feel like no one understands my heartache. My boyfriend especially. Because to me, it was a baby. It was my baby. Not just tissue or an embryo. It was a baby and it mattered. He has been so strong through it and I can’t tell if hes being that way for me, or if it’s because it really didn’t hit him that hard. I feel like I’m the only one grieving.