A little backstory:

I have always struggled with controlling my temper. In elementary school, I was put in anger management counseling by my parents. It didn’t do much, but in middle school it slowed down, although, I was more depressed than angry. In high school, I struggled a lot with self esteem. I went off to college and noticed my depression, self esteem, & anger issues got worse. My sophomore year of college, I went to see a therapist for the first time. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, & PTSD (something that happened my senior year of high school).

I now live with my boyfriend of 3 years who is truly a really great guy. Although, I am not the best person & I wish I could be that for him. When I get upset with him, I cannot control my anger. For example, I never go through his phone but I found out he had a second Instagram account in which he followed one girl that we went to school with. I asked him why he hid it from me, he said he didn’t know. He showed me the account & he only liked her pictures. I thought it was weird that he would create a new account just to like her pictures. I asked him why he would do that & his only answer was that he didn’t know. At the moment, my self esteem is at an all time low. Seeing him like her pictures on a hidden account just really upset me. I got angry. I throw things (nothing that can break or harm him), I say things I don’t mean, I cuss (which is rare for me). I just completely black out & I’m no longer in control of my body. I hate when I get this way. It isn’t healthy & I hate to put him through it. It makes me hate myself so much.

I want to know how to stop this. I’ve tried getting help & nothing seems to work. I want to be able to have a civil discussion when I’m angry but I can’t seem to do that. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I just want to be a better person.

Any advice is welcomed. Please no judgement.