You were supposed to be here October 2018

You were the light in the dark after the unspeakable happened

You were the strange happiness that filled my soul after your sperm donor did what he did.

You stopped the rain but only for a second

You where my Isiah

You were my first true love and best friend for those 13 weeks

You somehow showed me that love comes in all sizes and happens out of nowhere.

When I woke up that morning the pain was unbearable I didn't want to go to the bathroom because I didn't want to know I didn't want to realise what happened but when I did go to the bathroom I felt you fall out I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces and hit the floor I wanted to flush before I got up but something made me reach in the toylet to grab you then I for some reason sat in the bath tub holding this tiny tiny tiny person and crying and shaking I didn't want to move

Your feet were perfect as were your hands

I put you in a cloth and a box and slowly walked to the sematary I dont remember much of the trip or my reasoning for not just driving I think it was because I needed, wanted more time I remember carrying your little blue box and walking I know once I got to the sematary I dug a hole where my dad is and held you one more time before putting you in the ground I sat there all day thinking about what you should have looked like how you weren't supposed to be born on the toylet what I thought you cry would have sounded like I think about you now as your little brother is almost here I am sad he isn't you but happy that he is almost here I am scared and excited to meet him the way I thought I would have met you and I hope your story helps other mamas going through the same thing.

I love you my littlest man

-mom