Okay, not really death, but LISTEN....

So here I am at the spa. SO. FLIPPIN. EXCITED. for my long awaited hydrating body cocoon and Swedish massage. As you other moms/hard working women know, days like these only come once in a blue moon.

So I’m laying with my “modest towels” barely covering my juicy parts (I’m not a lightweight and these were basically hand towels, but whatever), and I’m anxiously waiting for the super nice girl to start slathering me in what she described as “cucumber melon body clay,” and begin wrapping me up in essentially Saran Wrap, towels, and heating pads so my super parched skin can get nice and silky smooth.

So this chick starts applying the mask. Covering every single square inch of my jigglin’ bod, minus the juicy parts, in this stuff. At first I’m like oooo that’s tingly, must be working.

But then, as she starts wrapping me up, I’m like okay this is really tingly. And now I’m shivering. At this point I’m trying not to be a baby and so I don’t say anything to the girl. Eventually the shaking is like convulsing and I’m like “uhhh I’m really cold, is this normal?” And she says “Oh yeah the heating blankets will help. The tingling let’s you know it’s working!” But then I’m like.......

EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE. All of my limbs are on fire and my belly is on fire and my ass is on fire AND IM BURNING TO DEATH. So I tell the girl and she’s like “OMG THATS NOT NORMAL I’ll unwrap you and you can wash it off”

Chaos ensues.

Saran Wrap is stuck to me and she’s trying to yank off blankets and heating pads and wrap and my modesty towels have flown off and all my goodies are out and I look like an obese green alien desperately trying to reach the shower. Meanwhile the girl is like...

Then I feel it. My nipples. Some of the mask got on them and OMG it felt like someone was cutting them off with a chainsaw. Finally I get in the shower expecting it to provide immediate relief. Wrong. I was essentially a burn victim hopping into a blazing shower. I turned it cold and I’m literally in there moaning from how good it felt on my lava hot skin.

I literally looked like the crab from Little Mermaid. Once I got all the stuff off and my skin returned to normal I was getting my clothes back on and I decided to snap a quick pic of the mask container. I thought I probably had an allergic reaction and I wanted to avoid it in the future. Well I just got home and looked at the pic...

Ummmmmm....I’m not a professional, but I feel like putting a foot mask on your entire body is a bad idea? If any of you work in a spa, can you tell me if this is a common thing?

Anyways they didn’t make me pay and were super apologetic, so I’m not mad about it. But I ain’t getting into anymore body wraps ever again.