Yeah, yeah there’s this guy, Aleks. I have feelings for him. And we are in a pretty sticky one. Get ready, I’m gonna tell you all about it. We use to be pretty close friends and with girls his humour is generally flirty and he’s like this with a lot of girls. We would flirt from time to time but I knew it wasn’t serious. Often play fighting and he would occasionally touch my butt or whatever. He would hint sometimes that he would do stuff to me but I always thought he was just playing. Even tho I would be quite flattered and I kinda liked him and thought he was very attractive but it wasn’t like a deep crush or anything, I didn’t think much of it at the time. But one day, we was walking home together from school and he’s like “I’m super horny” and I’m like “haha do you need help or something?” I honestly didn’t think me saying that would actually lead to anything but he was like yeah and I’m like oh shit ok lol and long story short he brings me back to his and takes my virginity. Ha ha...

So before we got at the deed, he made it clear to me that this wasn’t going to go further and that no one can find out because a lot of shit would go down. I knew all this and I was like yeah sure. I didn’t give a fuck cause I was horny, he was horny so I didn’t think it was deep 🤷‍♀️

So the reason no one could find out is 1. No one would have seen it coming, okay, he is one of the most attractive boys in my year and so many girls want him and I’m pretty much a nobody in comparison. This would make a lot of people jealous. It’s weird because I feel like in his eyes it’s the other way around and in the guys world I’m pretty high in demand. Not to sound cocky but yeah 🤣. Oh yeah and 2. At the time I had a best friend who kinda liked him and if she found out, well you know how that one would go 😑. So we both made a deal to keep it hush hush 🤫

So that night went surprisingly, decent considering it was mine and his first time. I did end up bleeding a bit at the end but he was really sweet and helpful about it and not making a massive fuss like some guys would. It was quite passionate shall I say 🥴

Literally.

So we both said goodbye and I left his home. But something shitty happened afterwards. Two annoying ass guys we know happened to be chilling near his house and they saw me leaving it. And they just knew. They were all like “omg what did you do with aleks” and “you guys definitely beat”. I just denied and denied best I could and I didn’t want to break our promise. But they didn’t believe me. I’m really not good at lying on the spot and they were both bothering the hell out me but I still tried not to break but looking back I probably did sound like I was lying 🤥. They ended up telling a whole bunch of other guys after that they saw me leave his house and without knowing if it actually happened they also told them we had sex 😪 So of course shit goes around quickly and the whole school finds out. And I’m just gonna say that was extremely stressful. It was big news, literally everything we predicted happened. And when something goes around so quickly, it’s hard to make people believe it isn’t true. He also now thinks I was the one who told everyone.

Yep so we stopped speaking to each other completely after this and he didn’t want anything to do with me. I mean fair enough in his eyes I do seem like a massive snake. I explained to him over text what really happened but he didn’t believe it. He deleted me off everything telling me he needed to forget about what we did. For a while this didn’t affect me so much and I was just trying to move on from it. But seeing him everyday (he’s in a lot of my classes, have the same friends and hung out together a lot) it started to get to me. I realised I was falling for him and I didn’t know what to do. I felt guilty and I started to miss our old friendship. I also remembered how good it was and I wanted to fuck him again.

I realised when we would be around each other how much my presence bothered him. So I started to stay away as much as I could.

We had sex back in February and we still haven’t managed to sort things out properly but we are civil now. However we still don’t talk very much. But lately I’ve been catching him staring at me a lot and something happened which I find odd. I was chilling with him and a bunch of our friends, I’m across the room from him and he asks me if I had gum, I tell him I didn’t and he doesn’t even ask anyone else??? Yeah I might be overthinking things but this whole time I’ve always felt that he may have caught feelings for me. And this is because I realised that he was so desperate to forget about me before but usually for a guy or a “player” this wouldn’t be an issue... I’ve heard from girls that when he would talk about me he would get really defensive saying I was just a beat and that it meant nothing and repeat himself over and over. Of course this could be true but I feel like it’s all an act in order for him to protect his pride which young boys tend value so much. N

If he does have feelings for me, I know he wouldn’t have the guts to come forward and tell me. We are still quite awkward around each other. What I want is for both of us to just talk and for me to know for sure but I can’t make it happen. I went up to him one time to ask if we was cool and he said yeah and I was hoping that would lead to us talking about things but it didn’t. School is almost over and we’ll both be going to separate sixth forms so I may not see him again as I’ve also distanced myself away from most of his friends because they all just wanted to fuck me 🤷‍♀️ I know I won’t be able to move on from this because I’ll be wondering if something could have happened. And if I try to talk to him again he might think I’m being a beg.

Sorry this was super long and not very interesting but I would love any advice. Feel free to be harsh, I know throughout this I have made some pretty bad mistakes, like having sex with him in the first place disregarding the consequences and catching feelings even though he told me from the start that we wouldn’t go anywhere 🙃 gosh but props to you if read to the end, I appreciate it!