PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes the title says it... I love my husband I’m just not in love, I honestly dislike him 😓 let’s start with a back story AND yes I know what’s happen in the past I should of left along time ago but you have to realize things I’ve been through and going through and the way a mind works!

So to start off I’m a Sexual Abuse survivor, I’ve been through a lot my abusers are two important men my father and uncle, so already I have issues with men, well my husband which was boyfriend 5 years ago we got together and he cheated on me like a lot I mean like a lot up until 9 months before our wedding, “T” (my husband) use to beat me actually put me in the hospital twice things would get good then get worse I stayed for several reasons one I was being controlled and manipulated, I would try to leave and he said he was going to kill his self and just ETC 9 months before our wedding he cheated and ever since he hasn’t cheated since... But I’ve changed a lot ive been in therapy since I was 18 ive worked through my issues and I even stand up now toward my husband he doesn’t hit me anymore he hasn’t for awhile but I still stand my ground when he tries to control me or manipulate me it smacks him in the face, I still can’t leave though like idk why I really married him, i think the one thing I was thinking about was I wanted my last name changed and I didn’t won’t to be lonely.. Well idk if it’s because of everything he’s done to me in the past I just don’t have feelings for him, we just bought a house like 6 months ago... idk what to do ive let myself go to far with him, I’m to the point where I literally want to find someone to make love with have sex with idc who it is I’m lonely he doesn’t please me, it’s always about him and then when he touches me he said this is mine no ones but mine I said I don’t like when you say that and yet he says it doesn’t matter it’s mine your body is mine just stuff like that; that pushes me further away from him, his disrespectful to me, my family, and our dog, ever since I was sexually abused I haven’t been able to orgasm unless I get fingered and well he doesn’t even please me or even try it’s like I have to beg... but it’s so hard not to find someone to have a good time with idk why I’m so damn scared to leave please do you have any advice besides you need to leave how do I leave ? What do I do? And am I wrong for these feelings ?