Not ready

I desperately want to get pregnant and I don’t know why I feel this way. I want a baby so bad, no matter how wrong the timing is. I’m 24, my fiancé is going on 26, and he doesn’t want kids for another few years, which I understand. Realistically, there’s a lot that I want to do and that we want to do before we have kids and having a child right now would definitely strain us financially. I just finished my master’s and we both work, but neither of us have really steady, permanent jobs yet so it would be so incredibly tough to try to support a child on our income. But goddamn, I want to have his baby. I want to be a mom. Sometimes he’ll lay his head down on my stomach or rest his hand there or lightly rub my belly and I just imagine the day when he’ll be feeling his baby, our baby. He never had a father growing up and I know he’ll make such a phenomenal dad. He always says how he’ll be there for his kids and he’ll love and support them because he’s never had that. I know he’ll be amazing. Whenever we have sex I find myself hoping and praying that the condom breaks or he slips up or something happens and I somehow end up accidentally pregnant. I would never act on that, and we always always use condoms, but I still just feel horrible for feeling this way, wanting something so bad that he doesn’t want right now. My periods are irregular and every time they’re late I take a pregnancy test, only to be completely heartbroken when it comes back negative. It feels unfair of me to wish so hard for something that would cause both of us so much stress at this point in our lives. My sister is pregnant and I couldn’t help but feel jealous when she told me back in January. I know how horrible that is of me and I would never let her know. I’ve just been feeling this way for so long and I feel like it’ll never go away. I haven’t told anybody this and I won’t, but I needed to get it off my chest. Just waiting for my fiancé to get to where I am and hoping that day comes soon enough.