Awhile back I cheated in the beginning of my husband's and my relationship. He forgave me.

Then he cheated on me as kind of an eye for an eye and I let that shit go with the wind. Because I remember how fing nasty I felt when I cheated on him and how disgusted I was with myself. It's taken me years to slowly get over the guilt. Literally YEARS. I'm still dealing with it. Not that it's an excuse. In just saying that's why I forgave him.

Since then we have had a child, bought a house adopted animals and are currently trying for another child. Life was GREAT. I have some anger issues to work out, I snap easily but I never lash out or hurt anyone and I'm on medication, see a therapist etc

So tonight we had sex went to bed. Sex usually gives me energy, but for him he passes out. I needed the phone charger so I grabbed his phone (his phone was on the charger). Something told me I should just look. We share the same passwords as a sign of trust. Well..... Low and behold this man I'm still in love with is sending videos of him jerking off to girls, saving their nudity pictures, has a tinder account, a snapchat account (he swore he didn't have) and I like you account dated from back when we agreed to get our heads out of our butts and move forward. I'm literally sick to my stomach, Tired, disappointed, hurt, betrayed. I was shaking with anger. Like ANGER MAN.

I tapped him to wake up and get up, told him he needs to start explaining himself (which at this point ladies I think we all know explaining means excuse on the fly but we still want answers so 🤷) He claimed he didn't think I loved him, (cliche af) i gave him so many reasons why that answer is bullshit he told himself to allow him to cheat. We went through the works. Our SON started crying and I went to console him. (No we weren't yelling) he started talking crazy about suicide. I flat out told him "no. You get to live with this guilt like I do everyday of my life. Everyday I have to feel the guilt eat at me. You don't get a pass or an easy way out you deal with it like I did. You figure it out. "

There's so much more. I'm so angry. He's already said he would pack his things and leave if that is what I wanted. Pay whatever he had to. I said right now your staying because we need you financially to keep life normal for our son and my family who literally are living in the mother in law's quarter next to my house.

I told him already I don't think he'd make it by himself. He's not anything but a child.

Plus I want our son to see his dad and love him everyday. Because they have a great connection. I know what the logical thing to do is. (divorce his butt). I can forgive him. But I literally cannot trust him. He's my best friend and he's literally ruining the life we built for a nut. That he quite literally could have had with me.

Anyways, I have to drive our son to the capital .....2 hours there... tomorrow morning for a consultation for a small surgery. I can't sleep. I really don't feel like this was real. Like it feels like an intense dream.

Idk where I'm at rn. I care about him. But this is just to much. We finally were at a good spot but I guess not and now it's all rollar coaster and I don't know wtf I'm thinking.