Six years ago when I was 16 I was forced by my parents into having an abortion. I lived in Ireland at the time so it was illegal and I had to be taken to the UK to have the procedure. I opted with the medication and honestly it was hell. There’s no sugarcoating it. I was a mess emotionally, and the pain was unbearable.

My dad booked a little hotel by the clinic and they had me take the second medication just a couple of hours after the first. Within 15 minutes I was in agony. I had strong pain meds that didn’t make the pain go away. Nausea medicine that didn’t do the trick. I vomited and vomited for about two hours, collapsing and being taken to the bed by my dad. By then I had already changed my maxi pads four times (and there were two side by side) and I was feeling intense chills. Thankfully my dad had a hot water bottle and was able to get me to relax enough to lay down with it curled up and fall asleep for about an hour, after which I had to get up to get to the airport. The guys at the airport even felt sorry for me and after throwing out the water in the hot water bottle they got some boiling water and filled it back up. The lady on the plane gave me a free water bottle because of how white I was. The flight is under an hour, about 30 minutes long. By the time we had started landing I felt a gush of blood and knew. When we landed I went to the restroom in the plane and there was the pregnancy and a very bloody mess. I think I was the worse mess, though. It was a two hour car ride, at least they took me to the car in a wheelchair. In the car I didn’t throw up any more, but I did let out way too much blood and had no where to clean it up. I soaked through a bed type pad, two maxi pads, paper towels and my jeans. I was so faint I just wanted to rest and the cramps wouldn’t allow it. Lucky me got to bleed for 6 more weeks and blame myself, knowing I deserved it.

Fast forward to today, almost 6 years later with the same partner and I just had the first pill of my second abortion today. The first time I was 8 weeks along and this time it’s just 6 so hopefully that helps with the bleeding. Although I doubt it, I’m just a bleeder. I literally almost fainted when they did the finger prick to test for Rh- and I was sad seeing the scans. I know I want children but at 22, just starting out with making plans I am not ready. I really don’t think I’m ready for tomorrow, either. Nowadays they have you wait 24hrs to take the second medication. Tomorrow is when the actual abortion happens. Once again. I’m not really ready for the crime scene bleeding, intense cramps, chills and nausea. I’m definitely not ready for the emotional pain that comes along with it all. But here it goes, no going back now. Pray for me.