for the last few years i’ve felt so disconnected from myself and in a state of constant disassociation and it’s been horrible. i’ve never had the motivation to do anything, and i kind of came to the conclusion that my life would really never amount to anything and that i was just going to be a failure.

as a kid, i always had what seemed like early “memories” of what my life would be like, but i could never imagine past my high school graduation and 18th birthday. i honestly never thought i would live past it.

in the past year since graduating, i had gone nothing but downhill. i failed my first two terms of college and started working 40 hours a week and stopped going to college. when i stopped going to classes, i felt so horrible about myself and like i was just a huge failure and wanted to just die.

i’ve always gotten these major depressive “episodes”, if you will, and got into these funks and couldn’t bring myself back up until the next morning, or it could be as soon as i had shifted to thinking about something else 5 minutes later. these flare ups got worse towards the end of my senior year all the way until the current. i felt so out of control of my emotions, and i didn’t understand why i would get so upset or angry over seemingly tiny things?

i decided to go back and see my counselor and got referred to a psychiatrist, and i told both of them i was scared of having the same thing as my mom has. my mom has borderline personality disorder, and i’m so scared of turning out to be as delusional and abusive as her. i ended up being diagnosed with borderline, like my mom so i recently started mood stabilizers (i’m taking lamotrigine), and i cannot explain how much better i feel. i’ve only been taking it for 2 and a half weeks, and i just upped my dose on thursday, but i feel so clear headed finally, and like myself for once. i’ve been cooking, cleaning my room (slowly but surely) and i even bakes last week by myself!!! this is such a huge step and i’m so damn happy, because i’ve never felt like this before, and i’ve just kind of been telling myself, “life isn’t miserable, i’ve just been sick for so long i’ve never gotten to see what life is like”

i’ve been so appreciative of everyone in my life, especially my boyfriend who is supporting me through every step i take. i don’t really know who to talk to about any of this stuff because my family doesn’t auote understand and i haven’t told a lot of my friends yet, because i don’t want people to label me as “that chick with borderline” or “the girl that’s a psycho”

i thought this would be a good platform to just talk about this for myself i guess :)