My Story 😔😔

It all started October 8th 2018, I found out I was pregnant...I’m only 20yrs old, 5months through beauty school, and in what I thought was a great relationship for the first time in a long time...but not with the father...when I found out I was pregnant it was a complete surprise to me, I had no idea why or how I was pregnant. But than it dawned on me...the last person I slept with was 6wks prior to this October date (give or take). I told the father of the baby that I was pregnant, his response was “oh yeahh, I kinda figured that,” which lead me to believe he had planned to get me pregnant from the one night we spent together... in hopes I’d be with him...to fill you in. Little...me an the father have known each other for about 8yrs, we briefly dated but drifted apart an jus stayed friends. Well that was never good enough for him. He was way more into me than I was him. An the one night we spent together, there was alcohol involved and no I am not using that as an excuse because its not. But I had thought we were using protection because I’m always good Bout that an if there was or I knew a possibility the condom broke or for whatever reason I would’ve taken plan B, cuz I was in not position to have a baby. Anyway there was no condom an I wasn’t aware of that...fast forward back to that day...I found out I was pregnant and I most definitely wasn’t dealing with it well especially since I was in a relationship with someone else an I had told figure out how to tell him I was pregnant without it sounding like I cheated on him cuz I didn’t. I eventually told him, he obviously wasn’t too happy but he was like let make this work BUT he said I had to go through with adoption cuz he didn’t wanna raise someone else’s kid. I understood that and I agreed cuz as I said I couldn’t care for a child right now. 2months later an morning sickness all day everyday he left me cuz my mood swings an throwing up was too much for him...it hurt yes but I didn’t care too much...so here I am doing it all alone. Fast forward some more. It’s February I’m now about 5ish months pregnant and I finally start my search for the perfect family to adopt my baby girl. 150 families later I found the perfect couple who also has a son that they adopted who is 7. I knew they were perfect so I set up a meeting for the end of March they were great and the paperwork began. I’m still not dealing with the pregnancy well and have extreme hatred for the father not to mention I still have all day every day morning sickness which kills. (Side note, I lost 23lbs within the first 3months and by almost 9months I only gained back 6lbs) I could hardly eat anything it was absolutely terrible. It’s now May I had another meeting with the adoptive family and was still very happy with my choice. Now were entering where it gets to be difficult for me. I had a scheduled induction for June 3rd due to having a wedding I had to attend on the 7th an being so close to my due date I was unable to travel so anyway it’s now June 2nd 2019 I check into the hospital An they begin the induction process...the next morning rolls around an they break my water At 7am and it all begins...contractions were killer but I held off until 1:45pm before I agreed to get the epidural, I finally get it and by 2:20pm I’m pushing and at 2:43pm on June 3rd miss Aurora Gwen has entered the world at 7lbs 2oz and a length of 20 1/2in.

I gave the adoptive parents primary care of her as soon as she was born. I wanted my baby girl to have that immediate bond with her new mother rather than me. I so badly wanted to give her a better life than I could give her. As I said I’m only 20yrs old I don’t have my life together I live on my own and can hardly support myself let alone another human being. I knew if I kept her it would be the most selfish thing I could do and that is why I chose adoption. To give her a life she deserved. A life where she didn’t have to worry if she’d have food In her belly, clothes on her back, or a roof over her head. I did the most unselfish thing I could for my baby.

This last picture, was the last time I held her before leaving the hospital and leaving her with her new parents...in all honesty I was feeling amazing at the time I was happy to bring this sweet angel into the world and bless a family with another child...but now...I just can’t help but feel like a piece of me is missing. This is where I’m feeling my lowest. I most definitely don’t regret my decision but it does hurt a lot more than I thought. I think what hurts the most is the fact I was put in the position where adoption was the best option. If I was more stable there’s no doubt in my mind that I’d keep her but I knew I jus couldn’t.

Tomorrow (Monday June 10th 2019 at 2:43pm) my baby girl will be a week old...I guess the reason I’m posting here (if you made it this far) is...I need some support or something I don’t know. I’m jus feeling so hurt or that I should’ve kept her I don’t know I’m very conflicted with my emotions right now and it’s a feeling of loss and I can’t stop crying. It’s to the point where I’m hyperventilating sometimes....is this a normal feeling?? How do I cope?? I have little to no desire to do anything and I jus wanna feel okay again. Please any advice at this point is very much appreciated and thank you for reading my story I’m sorry it was so long.