Hi, I am currently a mess and I have no one else to talk to so why not here..

I’m a 21 year old female, I have a wonderful boyfriend, I have a great job that I’m blessed to have, and a very close, fast-growing family.

But even this, isn’t enough to battle my depression. My anxiety. My PTSD. My type 2 bipolar disorder (connected to the depression).

I KNOW I’m blessed and a lot of people didn’t even get to wake up today.

But all I feel is null. blank. empty. I feel like the physical human version of “white noise”. I’m just “existing”. But sometimes I feel like I’m not even doing that.

Here lately I’ve been doing too much sleeping and I know it’s bad for me but I’m tired of fighting my body and my brain. So I give in and sleep whenever I’m not at work. I have to force myself to get out of my bed to eat, or just go outside to see the f*****g sun for gods sake.

My boyfriend has been doing what he can to help me, but our work schedules are the worst overlapping ones ever, so we are limited to how much time we actually get to spend together until we can save up enough money to get our own place. (He has a roommate currently and I still live with my parents). Unfortunately, he’s been having some serious family stuff going on, so I try to lessen my complaining and try to help him however I can.

I’ve been on a 3 month long wait list to get back into my old therapy office, just so I can attempt to be on meds that are better than the 50mg Sertraline I’m currently on. Which I can’t even take a whole pill of, I can only take half because taking a whole causes me to stay up for days.

I’ve tried to expand my mind by painting, gardening, reading, and cooking and nothing seems to bring the “spark” back that I seem to be endlessly searching for. I’m starting to lose hope that I will never find it again. I don’t wanna label it as searching for my purpose, it’s more like searching for something that makes me happy other than the temporary relaxation I get from glasses of wine.

I try to be a good person and keep hoping my good karma will find me, but it’s more like I’m just getting farther and farther away from something good. I don’t expect it, I hoped for it, but even hope can start to run thin..

It’s just tiring trying to run from my own mind when it’s not only attached to me, but it controls everything I do. It won’t slow down, it won’t be rational, and it won’t give me a break. Sometimes you just get tired of fighting something that’s stronger than you’ll ever be, and you just let it be..