So to keep this short I just want to sum some things up really quickly. I have major depression and anorexia & body dysmorphia disorder. When I was 16 I was sexually assaulted by my boyfriend. He is now an ex , S in later reference, but a guy I am “seeing” - Z- makes me feel the same way.

S died in a kayaking accident this year and i found out after I got out of the hospital for anorexia. He was 20. And I haven’t told anyone what happened to me with him.

I want to go to his grave to pay my respects and move past it. Everything is triggering, any show that I watch or comment that I hear can send me into a flash back.

Is this wrong to want to do? Is there anything I should say when I get there? How can I speak ill of the dead?