This is longer than I'd hoped, and I'm sorry. But thank you for your time, and possibly your help.

I'm a ball of emotions and I just need to get it out. I'm 19 weeks tomorrow and I feel like im losing my grip. My husband just wouldn't understand if I tried to explain it to him. Not to mention how hurt he would feel, and I understand that.

I've struggled with severe depression and anxiety with panic attacks for 25 years (I'm 34 now). I've been on medication for both for many years, and in and out of therapy when I could afford it. I'm currently looking for a new therapist now. I need one more than ever. But I've been unmedicated since I found out I was pregnant. 12 days after I conceived exactly. I was doing extremely well too. I had no major mood swings, I didn't lose my temper, I was well grounded, enjoyed each day, then about 2 weeks ago it all went downhill- and fast. I no longer have any patience for my patients, my family, or my husband. I want to cry all the time that I'm alone. I never want to be home. I have no enjoyment around me at all.

I dispise this pregnancy. I feel that I've made a horrible decision. I really did want children. More than anything. My husband and I both did. We've been trying for about a year and a half since we've gotten married. Now, I believe the only reason my husband married me was to have his children. We haven't been intimate since we conceived. I don't feel attracted to him anymore. I know he's no longer attracted to me.

It's becoming more often that I think that I know I am going to suffer from PPD, I know that I am going to resent my child and have no bond with him. And I know that my marriage is going to end in divorce, sooner rather than later. I have talked to my OB and my midwife and my GP. They all know my medical history, and they give fantastic recommendations. Meditation, yoga, therapy, exercise, talk with your partner, ect.. that's great when you have the financial resources for all of that, and a partner that understands. It's not that he doesn't want to, but I do feel he is incapable of it.

As he told me before "All of my ex's were on antidepressants." Ok, but were they all open with you as to why? Did you understand why? No. So for me to talk to my husband falls on deaf ears. I don't get the companionship from him that I feel I deserve. Instead, we're room mates now. Again I should say. We've been through this all before. Except now, I'm pregnant. And I have a responsibility to this child that I am growing to regret. I'd never do anything to hurt him. Which stops me from taking my Klonopin everyday (amongst my other medications). Hello, unmedicated and freaking out and only offered one medication that does not help at all. But I'd be lieing if I said that I didn't think about getting a divirce sooner rather than later and giving my husband full custody of our child. For the sole reason that my child deserves better than the parent that I see myself becoming. Or lack thereof.

I'm lost. I'm just looking to see if maybe there is some chance, I am not the only one who is, or has felt this way. What helped you?