So, I work in an Operating Room and we have to disclose when we are early into the pregnancy because we can’t be around certain things that can be harmful. And I recently found out that I’m not ovulating. I’ve been trying for a year this month, and while I know that’s not all that long in comparison to some of you amazing ladies, every negative and every period feels like failure. Well, I finally scheduled my Hysterosalpingography(tube flushing) and I finally decided to give Clomid a try.

So back to work, I’ve felt like I’m the only person at work who hasn’t had any children and everyone is always asking when and whatever...except for one other person but I didn’t think she was going to have kids(why I thought this idk), well...I accidentally was standing next an OBGYN we work with when she’s runs up, “Doc, Doc!!! Hey, don’t say anything(talking to me), but hey Doc I’m 5 weeks and I had a question about my levels and I was worried that I might be miscarrying?” I turned and faced them, I’m there anyways. The Doc asked if she’d ever been pregnant before, no. If she’s ever miscarried before, no. And she basically told her congrats but not to worry. My coworker comes back to me and says, “Hey, it’s really early and I don’t want everyone to know just yet...” and my face just dead gave it away. I said tearfully, “Wow! 🥺 That’s so awesome! I’m so happy for you!” Now she has her hand on MY shoulder, what’s wrong...and I told her that I was listening because I had a similar situation and wanted to hear what the doctor had to say.

She asked how long ago and I said in March I thought I was pregnant and the home pee sticks didn’t come up positive but I FELT pregnant. And I was 11 days late! I’m never late! I called the office for a blood test and the NEXT day I had horrible back and front pain, I knew I was spotting but they said that was normal for 4 weeks, but I had so much moisture between my legs I ran to the bathroom and I was bleeding a lot! My bloodwork came back negative but my doctor didn’t want to say the “M” word...he said, even if you did, most people don’t even know they’re pregnant when they miscarry at 4wks or less, let’s focus on getting you that study and start you on Clomid and get your husband tested.

I told my coworker, “It’s ok, I’m over it, obviously! Lol” I said tearfully trying to lighten the mood and I told her I was sorry for making her moment about me, but that I was happy for her and I wouldn’t tell anyone and she automatically said she wouldn’t mention mine either. We hugged it out and I went home. Now this where I’m the shittiest person who ever lived.

I’ve always been a very giving person, to the point of exhaustion. But during this time, I’ve been very, very selfish. I’ve dreamt about what it would be like when I finally tell my friends and family about my baby! I’ve dreamt about how everyone would gush at work over my belly! But I’ve always imagined I’d be doing it alone. I imagined I would be the Operating Room Princess and everyone would bend over backwards to make sure I wasn’t nauseous or need water or ask if my feet hurt or whatever! I wanted to be THE ONLY ONE!!! And please...please, be easy on me, but for one split second, while driving home with tears in my eyes that I wasn’t the one pregnant, I thought... “well, it’s still early...”

WTF IS WRONG WITH ME😭 I know, I know...I can’t take that thought back, but I felt it, I felt it hard, for an entire second. I’m so so sorry. I know she doesn’t even know, but I feel so bad. I can’t stop thinking about it. Am I a terrible person?