This was hard for me to post.... but Im hitting a bit of a depression state. also I’m sorry if it’s too long but there so much to tell :(

On June 2nd I took a pregnancy test. That resulted with a positive. My whole life I always imagined that day. I would even always hoped to be a young mom. For about 2 years I have been with my boyfriend and we weren’t taking care of ourselves. To a certain point we thought we weren’t going to get pregnant (we weren’t trying but if it happened then we would be okay) but starting this year we decided we were going to work hard with our personal lives, so we became “safer” aka pull out method. Well it turns out when we stopped thinking about it that it happened. I had been having morning sickness so we had a feeling that we were pregnant. As soon as I found out I told him about it. I was freaking out and he said it would be fine. That he thinks “if you decide to not keep it then it would make our lives better until we’re ready” but if not he would support me.

This leads to June 8th was the day I went to an abortion clinic. I brought my bf for emotional support. Sadly when we arrived I saw a woman close to the clinic wanting to talk to me about “another way”. I already knew wheat I wanted (sorta). I walked in did the paper work and minutes later they took me back. The nurse took vitals and send me to a room where she explained they needed to do an ultrasound. She did my ultrasound and showed that I was exactly 7 weeks. I told myself if I was over 10 weeks that I wouldn’t go through it. My next step she gave me the choice If I wanted to go through it with the pill or the medical procedure. I chose the pill and after a couple of paper work and test she gave me the first pill (stops it from growing) and told me to take the next 4 pills between my cheeks and gums in 24-48 hrs. As soon as I left I cried, I didn’t think I was but I felt disappointed in myself. I thought to myself I always wanted this. Now I just ruined it. I thought about how selfish my decision was. I made excuses to have the abortion but i feel that my excuses came with valid reasons.

The next day (June 9th) I took the other 4 pills (well 45 min before I took a pill for nausea and a hydrocodone pill for pain) about an hour later I felt the cramps that led to the worst pain of my life. Besides the cramping, I felt like pooping (but couldn’t and that’s another story too), and my nausea finally turned into uncontrollable throw up. I lasted about 3 hours crying and pleading that the pain would stop. I told my boyfriend to draw me a hot bath and I added Epsom salt. I promise you guys as soon as I went in i think my body forgot about the pain and finally stopped hurting (too much). I sat there for about 30 min talking with my boyfriend next to me. When I got out I felt a bit better but i couldn’t get myself to shower. So I just put clothes on and laid on my bed next to my bf. I fell asleep for about an hour. When I woke up I was still a bit in pain but nothing as before. I stayed awake until about 1 am., while my bf slept. When I fell asleep again I had an uncomfortable night. So I woke up at around 5am and texted my boss letting him know that I wasn’t feeling too well and that I wouldn’t be into work. He was okay with it luckily. At around that time I woke up my bf so he can go home and get ready to go to work (we both live with our parents not because we have to but Bc we like to). As soon as you left I stayed awake for about an hour just thinking. I did eventually fall back asleep. When I woke up I wasn’t in so much pain anymore (other then the hemorrhoid that I received) (another story).

So on June 10th stayed home and rested. Didn’t think too much of what I had done. So I prepared myself for the next day to go to work. On June 11th I went to work and since I work by myself handling packages I might’ve overworked myself which led me to have a bit of pressure and cramping. I knew that I would be for the following days. On June 12 I went to work and was feeling very well but after a while of sitting down in front of the computer I started to have a sharp pain. Slowly but surely I started feeling like the first day all over again. thankfully my bf offered to get out of work. He picked me up and took me home and I started the process of taking a bath to relieve my pain. During my bath I looked at myself. I think there is where it hit me. Not only was I depressed over my abortion but felt disgusted with myself on how I looked and how I felt. I wondered why I was so stupid to not only letting myself go in all aspects of my life but also giving myself the option to have an abortion. These past few days I haven’t been able to really control my emotions.

One of the reasons why I also didn’t want to have a baby was because of the issues me and my boyfriend were having. We were having horrible fights and honestly it always ended up me crying and asking for forgiveness whether it’s my fault or his. I knew having a kid wasn’t going to fix anything. And before this procedure a lot of the times I couldn’t count on him especially emotional. He lacks a lot of emotion and that really affects our relationship.

Today I wasn’t planning on hanging out with him but I still asked since he said he wasn’t going to hang out with his friends. We were very well when I got home but on our way to the store we got into one of our fights. And sadly it’s the same fight we had always even before finding out I was pregnant. (It’s because sometimes he says I say things I want to tell him that I’ve never said them he puts me down and says that I did) so it’s always frustrating telling him that I didn’t say a certain word and him not listening). Our fight escalated to the point where we were just yelling at each other in the car. he brought me back home and I tried talking to him but all he kept doing was putting me down. This type of fight always makes me wonder why is it so hard for him to listen to me. But then also I wonder why he gets to the point where he has to insult me. He raised his voice and kicked me out of his car(literally). I called him twice he picked up both times but I soon as I started to talk he would hang up. I tried one more time and then he texted me I’ll call you later I left it alone. But I notice an hour later that he blocked my number. (we share our location and it shows he follows mine and I send a message that never received). During our fight he called me selfish and that all I thought about was myself. The reason that the last few days I would talk to him about how I felt was because he was the only one that knew. I just thought I could trust him. Part of me says I’m glad that I didn’t bring a baby into this world because of our fighting. But part of me feels that the pressure because of him and our fighting Led me to my ultimate decision.

With all of this I feel really alone. Why can I just make the decision on my own. Even though it was my decision I still feel that I depended on him I knew I couldn’t really depend on him for that. I feel his love is just temporary. As much as I feel guilty I just feel sad.

Please talk to someone before making that decision it’s not the wrong decision but you just always have to be a little bit more secure than I was.