Depressed

I am just to the point that i am too emotionally devastated to want to hold onto this anymore. To the point where i have suicidal thoughts but ive put myself so close to getting there with a laprascopy, endometrial biopsies, medications, injections, everything... and i just feel like if i quit now ill have to restart and thats what pisses me off the most. I cant take this stress anymore no one understands...