Postpartum. Frustrated. Exhausted.

Tired. I am so tired.

Baby is asleep but I’m still laying wide awake.

My body and eyes are exhausted but my mind won’t stop. It’s going 100 MPH and here I am tossing and turning.

I’m frustrated. So frustrated.

Keep trying to close my eyes hoping to doze off.

Finally dose off. I can feel myself asleep but can still hear the sounds my baby is making. I guess I never fully fell asleep then. Must’ve been 20 mins. Who really knows.

He’s awake. He’s hungry.

Time for me to get up. Feed him and change him. Rock him back to sleep and start this process all over again.

He’s asleep. It is now 5am and the sun is coming up. My toddler will be up soon. Yet I have not slept comfortably yet.

Sun is up, peeking through the blinds. I’m so tired I can finally sleep and have no problem dozing off. Fall asleep finally.

My toddler is awake. He’s hungry. He wants attention too. I’m so tired but I get up.

My newborn is now asleep and will be for the next couple hours but I am awake and have to start my day. Once I’m awake for the day I cannot fall back asleep for a nap.

I’m tired. I’m frustrated. So tired & Its nap time. I think I could fall asleep finally. It’s not late but early enough to get into bed for a quick nap. Finally I get to relax a bit. Get to have some me time.

Lay in bed with my newborn. Decide I better stop my “me time” and try to sleep while I can. Nope I’m wide awake!! Maybe I’ll try again at bed time.. maybe by then I’ll be so tired and have no problem knocking out.

Ok It’s finally night time.. he’s finally asleep again. My toddler is in bed and asleep. My husband is cleaning up and relaxing. All I want is me time now. I want to read, catch up with maybe a show or 2. I’m so tired and should be trying to sleep but this is the only time I get to myself. I’ve been on my phone for what seems like 30 mins but really it’s been longer.. it is now 2am and I’ve almost been up for a full 24 hours now. I should have taken advantage and gone to sleep a couple hours ago before my newborn is up any second now. I try and I try. I put my phone down several time and close my eyes. My phone is not my problem. My mind. My mind will not shut down.

Why won’t my mind shut down. I need sleep. I am so tired. I’m so frustrated. Tears roll down my cheeks. Dreading to be woken up in a few hours just to do this all again. Just to have no energy during the day to do anything. How much longer can I endure this.

I love my baby. I bond with my baby. I am his primary caregiver. I wouldn’t want it being anybody else. When I look at him I just melt. He’s so sweet and so precious. He’s my little human. He’s a blessing. I love him so much.

Postpartum is harder than I remembered.

I wrote this to just let it out. Here I am... now almost 3am. Why am I awake. I cannot sleep. I just want to cry.