3 years ago someone who I thought was a friend told me let's go see my boyfriend mine not hers I'm so I trusted her so she called her friends to come pick me up and her well I wasn't a pot smoker when this happened but I had smoke 2 and 3x like maybe once a month I don't know if this makes sense right now because I'm wide awake because I can't go to sleep anymore but anyway we finish smoking and we pulled up to the department and they said don't remember but we ended up going inside next thing I know my friend is gone I asked her where she was and they said don't worry she's in the other room and I kept asking for her and then it happened and all I remember was I froze I couldn't do nothing my body was there but my spirit was gone and after it was all over I came to her crying and said it hurt real bad and burned I never slept with somebody that wasn't 15 years old do I never had a grown mans penis inside of me before because you just to calm down and don't cry everything's fine anyway my stupid ass couldn't find a ride so I had to ride with you home anyway on my 18th birthday me and my fiance got wasted anyway we went to have sex and then it hit me it was a flashback I felt like I had no control over my body again I don't know if it's because of the alcohol. I felt very vulnerable and I started crying and screaming and my my Beyonce didn't know why and I did not tell him why and still haven't sense because he didn't do nothing wrong I feel like it was me I feel like anyway now I'm up because I can't go to sleep I'm going to the doctors so they can help but sometimes I get emotional and depressed about it and then sometimes I'm pissed cuz I let them win and I should have went to the police and put their ass in jail but I didn't because nobody believes me only person who believes in where's my fiance who was just somebody I was hooking up with at the time and I'm supposed to take him to work and have to get up in 4 hours and I don't know how to talk to him about it that I can't go to sleep because of all the s*** that's happened because he'll be like why didn't you stay with me why'd you go home but sometimes I just like to be to myself I can only handle being around somebody so long I have to have my space and he's not like that sometimes he wants to be with me every single second and it so hard for me to be surrounded by somebody 24/7 and I think it's so selfish of me and he can probably do it better find somebody who loves him who wants to be around town 24/7 all day everyday but sometimes I feel like I just need to be by myself because my mind is so f***** up sometimes where I feel like no one understands me and even if you could tell me you understand if you never been through it yourself you don't know what it's like you don't know what it's like to feel hopeless trapped and feeling retarded because you couldn't do nothing about it or the fact that I knew not to get into a car with a bunch of strangers my mom taught me that and I still did it